Bitter Big Mouth...Again

Throughout the years, way before I became "bitter", I had a big mouth.  I've had it all my life.  According to my parents I spoke very early in life and never shut up.  I spoke early & learned to boss others early.  I was the "queen" of pre-school and truth told, the bossy never left me. Nor did the big mouth.  Sometimes the big mouth gets me in trouble. Ok...lots of times.  As I get older though I'm learning to stand behind the words that spew forth from my mouth. I take ownership of the things I say...right or wrong.

I never meant to be a radio chick.  I kinda fell into it & developed a love for it.  I was one of the lucky people in radio:  I got put on a heritage morning show after only three months on the air full time.  Quite the feat for a chick with little experience.   I learned quickly that radio was and still is a "boys club."  For years I played by the rules, always underestimating my talent, and took a back seat to those I worked with.  As the years went on, I continued to try hard to be successful in the radio business & I realized that a "bitch" attitude would be my only shield in a corporation where guys rule.  Don't misunderstand me, women can be successful in radio but only if they're willing to put up with a lot of bullshit.  Either guys are hitting on you & trying to play grab ass or they pick on you relentlessly.  It's how it goes. A woman must have a truly thick skin to truly become a success in this business.   A few years ago I thought there was the real possibility that I would become a success in radio.  Now, I doubt it.  I always told myself that I'd get our of radio when it wasn't fun anymore.  I do believe that time is close.

Unfortunately for me, I get sick.  Lots.  I have had an autoimmune disease a few years back & my body just doesn't like to cooperate sometimes.  For the last week I've had a severe case of bronchitis. Total pain.  To go along with the chest pain & cough, I lost my voice.  NOT festive when you talk for a living.  I had to take three days off work much to the dismay of the guys I work with. Now don't misunderstand me, I recognize their frustration.   It's hard to work as a team when a player isn't there. Sadly, they weren't as understanding about my situation.   Taking crap from guys is what I do and I think I handle it well...on the radio & off. There is a limit though.  Not just for me as a female but as a person.  Even bitter bitches have feelings. That seemed to escape some of the guys I work with.  Not a great time when people take shots at ya when you aren't there to defend yourself.  Especially not a great time when your home with no voice, on an inhaler to breathe and on numerous drugs.

I'm not throwing anyone under the bus nor am I trying to feel sorry for myself.  It is what it is.  I over-reacted to the situation and opened my big mouth. I did what you "shouldn't do" in corporate America...I shot off an angry email.  I  didn't act properly & showed my ass to a certain degree. I admit my faults.   I'm defenitely not perfect. My big mouth may have gotten me in trouble.  Hell, As I write this I realize that my big mouth may even get me fired.  Risk I take having a big mouth.  Especially in a "boys world."  Although I regret letting my emotions take over before my brain could catch up, I don't regret how I feel.  Sometimes stepping away from your day to day life puts things in perspective.

I'm bitter with a big mouth.  I don't play by the rules well. Never have.  Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it isn't.  At the end of the day, I just wanna be happy.  Change has always scared me but maybe a change is exactly what my big mouth needs.

Bitter Girl gets a Boo Boo

In the past year I've met & dated some amazing guys. Two of these guys wanted to shower me with love and treat me like a princess.  I loved both these men in different ways but let fear of the future and a crush on another man screw up both relationships. I hurt both the men I dated because I "had feelings" for another guy that I'm "friends" with.  I am an idiot.  Clear and simple.  An idiot.  

When I dated "D" I had a HUGE crush on my "friend". I couldn't continue our relationship because I thought the "friend" and I had a shot.  Then I dated "K" and REALLY thought I was ready for a relationship.  We were moving forward and BOOM!   Fear kicked in.  I also still had some unresolved feelings for my "friend".  I hurt the feelings of "K" and "D" because of my fear and my unresolved feelings for my "friend".  The "friend" & I eventually hooked up, making my feelings stronger for him.  I thought he actually liked me.  I now realize I was stupid.  I know, I know......we all make mistakes.   I think one of the reasons I dug the "friend" so much was because he reminded me of my EX.   YEP.  The "jackass" EX.  

I KNOW now that I'm obviously not ready for a fabulous man.  I've had two & let them slip away.  Not sure the feelings for my "friend" are as strong as I think.  There's the possibility I'm holding onto that so I don't have to commit.  Guess all this means I'm not ready.  Can't lie though.....when I found my "friend" started dating another girl I felt my heart hurt.  My face got red & I felt like I'd been slapped.  

Well....look at that..."BitterMel" has a soft spot   The "Bitter" girl has a boo boo & feels like a fool.   Karmas a bitch. I asked for this one.  Still sucks though. 

Bitter "Bitch" in a Boys World.

This past week was THE worst week I've ever had while in radio. It's the first time I've ever thought that I may be in the wrong business. I recognize my feelings but am also aware that I'm not in total control of my emotions. One of the guys I work with called me a "pouty, whiny bitch" this week. His words left a mark & stung badly. Unfortunately, he's right. When he said that to me I couldn't argue. I'm sure it's one of the only times in my life I didn't have a snippy comeback. I am sadly not in control of my body right now. It's not an excuse to be a bitch, I just can't control how I react. And it sucks. For the past 6 months I've been struggling with my hormones. Trying to battle your body blows. I don't sleep well, I'm constantly tired and often quite sensitive. This is NOT how I usually am. Working with all guys gets old sometimes as I am constantly picked on. This isn't new...it's part of being a "radio rock chick." Normally I can handle the jabs thrown at me & block em or take the hit like a pro. That hasn't been the case lately. I'm reacting to things said, even in jest. I actually cried at work this week. Yes. I cried. And I'm WELL aware there's no crying for a chick. I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can't win. It's a feeling that isn't festive. It's not easy being a woman in radio. It's a complete "boys club" but I've always managed to do ok. I don't feel that way now. I feel like I'm sinking. According to my doctor, the reason for my emotional freak-outs is menopause. Yep. I'm in the early stages and it is a nightmare. The doc says a hysterectomy will fix the physical & emotional issues. Great. A major surgery which means time off work. It's awful that I think that way. Work shouldn't be my focus...my health should be my concern but I know the time I'll have to take off work will hurt me professionally. Never fun to wonder if you'll still have a gig after missing a few weeks. That said I know if I don't do it, I'll end up getting fired. My attitude isn't great right now. I KNOW I'm too sensitive. I KNOW I'm too bitchy. I KNOW I take things too personally. And I KNOW I can't change my hormones. It's a scary situation. I recognize when I over-react or say something overtly snippy. Im just not in control. I've dealt with a situation similar to this before. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. It's a thyroid disease. I was sick for years before doctors figured out the problem. So sick that when they finally diagnosed me, I had to have radiation immediately. Apparently I was lucky it didn't kill me. Before the doctors figured out my problem, I dealt with many similar symptoms that I'm dealing with now: emotional outbursts, unexplained anger, sleepless nights, being hot one minute & freezing the next, feeling insecure......totally sucks. Especially when you KNOW you are over-reacting to something but can control your feelings. How do you try and explain this to guys you work with? They don't get it. They think it's an excuse. Being told you cannot have a child and that part of your body needs to be shut down is hard to comprehend but the situation is harder when you can't seem to stop how you act/react on a day to day basis. It's especially rough when the guys you work with think of you as a "guy w/boobs". It's not in my nature to act "girly". I've always been a tough, strong, in control female. Very difficult to WANT to act a certain way but your body ain't listening. It's confusing. Not just for me but for everyone around me. I get it, I just can't CHANGE it. I'm all about embracing my bitterness but the bitchiness needs to bolt. Fingers crossed my smart, radio savvy bitter babe part will defeat the silly, whiny, crying bitchy babe I've seemed to have turned into this week.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"......bummer

"To Thine Own Self Be True". A quote from Shakespeare that I have tattooed on my arm. Words to live by. Sadly, being "true" to yourself sometimes hurts others. A few months ago I met an amazing man. Sweet, kind, smart, interesting, and attractive man. Treats me like a princess & wants to spend time with me. We dated & developed sting feelings for each other. Everything seemed perfect til we discussed moving in together. I truly thought I was ready to settle down. Unfortunately I was wrong. As moving in together became real (looking at houses, talking finances) I freaked. I felt trapped & very anxious. I began to recognize that I'm not ready to share my life with ANYONE. I am beyond lucky to have this man in my life, but the thought of settling down makes me feel like I can't breathe. This of course means either he's not "the one" OR I'm just not over my last ruckus of a marriage. Don't misunderstand me: I am all about closing the door to the past but I'm not ready to fully close that door, lock it, & toss away the key. When I split from my EX husband I had to deal with a lot of crap. Cheating, lying, losing my job 10 days after leaving the EX, bankruptcy , divorce proceedings, ect. It's been tough just surviving & not having a freakin breakdown. I never stopped to cry & mourn the loss I felt. Although I'm stronger emotionally than I ever thought I'd be, I still have feelings that I need to deal with. Until I deal with those feelings, I can't share my life totally with anyone else. I don't know if it'll take a year, 10 years or longer. At the end of the day, it'll take as long as it takes. AND...that's ok. Being true to myself is important but being honest with others is more important. Part of me HATES the way I feel. I liked being married. I like the idea of having a partner The other part of me realizes that I shouldn't apologize for how I feel. Being honest with myself & going with my gut may hurt someone else but I have to do what feels right for me. "To Thine Own Self Be True". Definitely words to live by. The buzz kill is hurting someone else's feelings. Bummer for sure.

Banking on "Bitter"......

"Bank on Bitter". That's my new motto. The last few months have been interesting. I'm trying to figure out exactly who I am. All parts of me: the radio chick, the friend, the chick that likes sex & will admit it, the grown up, the divorced chick, the bankrupt bitch, etc. It's interesting to look at all parts of who you are. Scary but interesting. Through my self discovery, I've decided that the "Bitter Bitch" is not only a role I play well on the radio, but part of my personality. The part that I think may make me some loot. I realized this past weekend that I am not fully over my last divorce. It's been five years & I still feel a lot of pain. Weird. I'm a balls out chick. I thought I'd be totally over it by now. I'm not though and that's ok. It'll take however long it takes Over the weekend I faced a very disturbing truth about my last marriage: I was mentally abused. Lots. I admitted that to someone over the weekend. Out loud. I've NEVER done that. I guess because I'm a strong, hard core chick I never wanted to face that part of my life. It makes me feel weak. Maybe I didn't acknowledge it because I had so much other crap to deal with. I felt like a failure because my 2nd marriage didn't work. I was trying to process the EX's constant cheating & lying AND deal with bankruptcy. Oh...and I lost my job two weeks after I left his punk ass. The mental damage was pushed WAY back in my skull. I just couldn't handle dealing with that along with all the other BS I had to deal with. So......here I am, five years later, recognizing and admitting something I never though possible. I was married to a mean dude. The damage he did to me mentally I'm still dealing with. Hell, it could be something I deal with for five more years or forever. As I process my emotions & work through some mental crap, I might as well try and profit from it. If I'm gonna be a "Bitter Bitch" I might as well try and cash in on it. I KNOW what I dealt with is totally minor compared to what some people deal with. I realize how lucky I am. But since I DO have a twisted since of humor I might as well try and bank on my bitterness. Making money wouldn't suck and helping others with what I've learned would be killer! Hence my new motto & philosophy: Bank on the Bitter baby! Ya gotta go with your strengths, right? :)

Bitter Mel Beyond Repair?

At the present time, I have 4 girlfriends getting divorced. Not just chicks I know or work with but really close friends. I have 2 other girlfriends who have husbands that have cheated on them but have decided to stick out the marriage & work on things. It makes me so very sad to see my friends go through such pain. Unfortunately, I know their pain all too well. That's one of the reasons my friends confide in me. They KNOW I get it. The sadness, pain, anger, frustration, confusion...the list of emotions is never ending. People often say time heals all wounds. Not buying it. Some wounds are too deep to heal and your left with a scar. Some nastier than others.

I remain loyal & positive to my friends going through divorce but I'm also honest. Blowing sunshine up someone's ass isn't helpful. It's been 4 years since I split from "Captain Jackass" & I'm still not over it. I don't think I realized that until recently. Two weeks ago I was invited to a Strongman competition. I KNEW if I went I'd run into some people that are still friendly with my ex. The possibility made me nauseous. I went to the event, saw guys competing and almost hurled. There was no way I was getting out of the car. I just couldn't. The thought literally made me queasy. Wasn't happening.

Last weekend my Dad competed in a powerlifting meet. At the age of 70, quite the feat! He trained hard.....driving 2 hours to Columbia,SC. My Dad trained with some friends of the ex. When I went to the powerlifting meet, I KNEW I'd see a few guys that used to hang with my ex. I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I saw the ex's buds. A sadness came over me that was kinda disturbing. I had flashbacks of "good times" with the ex and I wasn't prepared for that. Odd how 4 years later I'm still affected by such trivial things. I mean, it wasn't like any of the guys were rude. Everyone was quite friendly. I just wasn't expecting the feelings that came over me.

It was THEN that I got it: I'm not completely over my divorce. I'm not completely over the psycho I was married to. Do I still love him? Noooooooo. Would I ever want to see him again? Noooooooo. Will I be forever scarred by what I went through? Yep.

Don't misunderstand me. My life has & will continue. I'm sure one day I'll find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Now I just realize AND can accept that I've changed as a person. I'm not sure I'll ever truly trust someone again. I'm also pretty certain that I'll never marry again. Sad? Maybe but I'm honest.

It's THIS honesty that I give to my friends going through turmoil. You CAN survive & become a stronger person. You CAN go through years of crap & still not get over someone. But life rolls on. The pain DOES subside as time goes on. Eventually you stop crying, take hold of the anger, then recognize that you can use what you went through to help others. Ya don't get over it completely. Ever. Some woulds leave a mark that lasts a lifetime. BUT, as with all scars, time does help it fade. Some wounds aren't meant to heal. The scar reminds us of our past mistakes. And that's OK. The trick is using those wounds/scars to your advantage.

Bitter Mel Beyond Repair? I'm gonna say no. I don't wanna be the same person. I like to think I'm smarter and stronger.

Bitter, Badass, & BEYOND lucky.

Wow. What a year 2011 was. I finally found the balls to file for bankruptcy & try and close the "Captain Jackass" chapter of my life. It's crazy how long it takes to get over a bad divorce. There's the emotional stuff, which is beyond hard. The physical stuff, which is learning to live alone & be OK with it. Then there's the financial stuff, which lasts for years. In my opinion, the financial stuff has been the hardest to deal with. I'm beyond broke BUT I've now learned to accept it. Starting over is sometimes the best thing. I'm slowly starting to accept that.

I hate to be TOO optimistic, but 2012 has started off fabulous!

Job wise, I had to make a hard decision. It's odd in radio. If you're a chick in rock with an attitude you have to fight harder to be recognized for your talents. Especially if you're a chick with multiple talents. I love radio like no other profession. Sometimes this love makes me stupid. I have a tendency to be loyal to the detriment of myself. I realized that this year. I was given the opportunity to work with Woody & Wilcox on 106.5 The End. Both the guys are amazing talents & are too funny!! I struggled with making the switch. I was with 99.7 The Fox for 6 years & always wanted to be the rock queen of that station. It took some soul searching but I realized I wasn't truly being appreciated for my work & talent. As scary as it was, and it was VERY scary, I left The Fox to work with Woody & Wilcox. Change scares me and I was beyond nervous. I made the decision to join Woody & Wilcox and it was the BEST decision I've made for myself in years. I truly can't imagine my life without these guys now. Professionally, I'm happier than I've been in years!

This new found job happiness is paying off too! Because of my job, I was able to go on The Monsters of Rock Cruise recently. A huge cruise ship with 30 80's rock bands. A DREAM come true for me!!! I can't explain how insane it was to see rock stars that you worshipped 25 years ago walking around a cruise ship taking pictures with people. These were guys I had posters of growing up! Here I am, on a boat, talking & taking pictures with these guys. It was truly one of the most amazing experiences ever! I'm honored I was able to take part in such event. I think I'm still a bit star struck from the event! The BEST thing is that the promoter of the cruise wants me to come back next year. WHAT?! Sweeeeet!! Whose life is this??

Although my bitterness continues, I haven't found a man that can handle me yet, I must admit that giddiness is at an all time high. I work with some amazing, talented dudes, I have some of THE most kick ass friends, my family is constantly there for me, & I have two crazy loving doggies. The last few years have sucked. Truly. I'm optimistic that 2012 will rock! I find myself saying "Hell Yeah" way more than "What the hell" now. It's off to a good start AND IRON MAIDEN is coming to Chatlotte this Summer. That's GOTTA be a sign of good things to come, right?!

;) rock on!!

Big Bitter Mouth

Good intentions. Totally have them. Especially when it comes to my job. Sadly, my passion for what I do sometimes interferes with the "appropriate" way business needs to be conducted. Of course, if I REALLY wanted to be "appropriate" I wouldn't be in the radio biz.

I've been extremely lucky in the business of radio. Lots of folks have to move all over the country every few years and change jobs. Since I began in radio, I've been in two cities: Charlotte, NC & Columbia, SC. I started in Charlotte, moved to Columbia, and then came BACK to Charlotte. WAY lucky! Of course, it's taken me a few years to realize that luck is only PART of the reason I've been able to be in these two great cities. Talent has something to do with it as well.

For many years, I've been the "yes" or "no problem" girl. At work and in lots of my relationships. If you know me, you wouldn't think this of me. I think my last marriage wore me down. Not just personally, but in ALL aspects of my life. Within the last few months I've been standing up for myself in my personal & my professional life. And it's felt freakin' awesome! Odd and strange, but awesome! "Talent" isn't something I've ever thought about before. I've always just felt lucky. And I am! But this year I realized that I DO have talent & that talent is WHY I've been so lucky!

I have an unbelieveable passion for music. That passion is what fueled my interest in radio. Once I began in radio, I loved it! Truely. I love everything about it: the wacky personalities, the crazy hours, the relaxed atmosphere, the music, the insanity...........LOVE IT! Sadly, as many do, myself included, I let that love blind me for a bit. I realized this year that I wasn't getting back what I was putting into my job. I know, I know.........in this economy if you have a job be grateful! AND I AM! Trust me. BUT.......the passion that I had and the love that I had was fading. Fast. I was being pulled in too many directions.

I, for once, stood up for myself. NOT in the most appropriate way, BUT I stood up for myself. Something I haven't done personally or professionally in WAY too long. I knew there was a risk. Hell, I could have easily have been fired. My mouth went off before my brain had time to catch up. THIS doesn't always work well for me as my mouth tends to get me in trouble. Lots. :)

Yet I did it. And I'm glad I did! Now, don't get me wrong. I should have expressed my concerns in a more professional fashion. Next time, I'll know. Sadly, passion for what you do or who you are sometimes wins and "professional" or "appropriate" just doesn't matter. There are times in life you just have to stand up for WHO you are and what you feel. Does it always work? Nope. Does it matter? Nope. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel proud of who and what you ARE, that is all that matters at the end of the day.

All the above said, I am still wicked glad I have my job. Damn I have a big mouth sometimes. :) Good thing.

Breakups, Bankruptcy, & Bitterness..........

Ahhhhhh........the "Big B's" of my life continue! I gotta stop waiting so long to "vent" & blog about my bitterness more. Lord knows there is ALWAYS something I can bitch about! :) Sooooo.......here's the latest:

I recently went through another break-up. This one is a bit different though. It wasn't a break-up with a guy but with a very close friend. Let's call this friend "Lucy." "Lucy" and I were extremely close friends for the last 11 years. We both experienced painful divorces from cheating husbands, we were females in a mostly male dominated business and shared struggles, and we both loved to laugh & have a good time. We enjoyed and cried about the ups and downs of life together and we were always there for each other. Neither one of us were perfect but we never judged each other in regard to our imperfections. Truth be told, we were quite solid, or so I thought.

Last year, "Lucy" broke the "girl code." She hit on a guy that she knew I was talking to. I had been on a few dates with this guy but that was it...........nothing serious. "Lucy" went out of her way to hit on the guy and send him some suggestive pictures. Not cool. I don't think I need to go through the "Rules of Chick Friendship." We all know this is not acceptable. "Lucy" and I chatted, I was honest with her about how I felt and I told her that her actions hurt my feelings. It wasn't about the dude but about "Lucy" breaking the trust within the friendship. She apologized, I forgave her, we moved on. THAT'S what friends do. Friends forgive.

Recently I was seeing a guy and "Lucy" did the same type of thing. "Big D" and I were friends for about a year and throughout that year, we saw each other off & on. Long story short, "Big D" decided he wanted to take our relationship to another level. I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. "Lucy" inserted herself into the situation and became "friends" with "Big D" on Facebook. She sent him a message behind my back, giving him tips on how to "deal" with me. Again......a move that is NOT COOL. "Lucy" told me what she did about a week later. I expressed my dislike of the situation and explained to her that I am a grown woman. NO need to interfere in my love life. I think her intentions were good but I am not a fan of people inserting themselves into my love life. She said she was sorry and we again moved on. Soon after this situation, "Lucy" began making inappropriate comments on "Big D's" Facebook page. Comments laced with sexual innuendo. AGAIN, I expressed my dislike for this. "Lucy" said she understood. Sadly the comments didn't stop and I told "Lucy" that i was not happy with her actions. She didn't get it. "Lucy" couldn't understand why I was upset. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't just about a guy, it was about her breaking my trust....again. No matter how I tried to tell her this, she just refused to get it. In her mind, I was being a "prude" and she didn't see the big deal. Over & over I tried to explain to "Lucy" that it was a trust issue. She couldn't or didn't want to understand. I ended our conversation before it got too heated.

Unfortunately, "Lucy" doesn't understand how important trust is between friends. She is close with another woman and neither of them seem to understand boundaries. If THEY wanna do it, if it makes THEM feel good, then they do it. Don't get me wrong, I am not an angel. I've done my fair share of shady things. I just don't do shady things to my friends. I've had many of the same close girlfriends for years & years. There is a reason for this: I respect my friends. To be a good friend you have to have trust, love, and respect. These are 3 things that every relationship needs. If they aren't there, the relationship fails.

I feel like I've lost another husband in a way. "Lucy" and I were very tight and went through so many things together. I hope one day she'll understand true friendship. "Lucy" is a wonderful person and I miss her so. I just don't think she can comprehend how badly she hurt me. Sometimes to be a good friend, you have to put your pride aside and recognize when you've done something wrong. Even if YOU don't think its wrong, if it hurts a friend then it's wrong. Accountability for bad actions is important. I'm not perfect, but if I screw up, I own it. I'll put my pride aside and admit if I am wrong. In my opinion, "Lucy" let her pride end a very close friendship. Friends that love you for YOU........faults & all are quite hard to come by. I shall miss "Lucy" and all our fun times and I wish her the best.

The next two "B's" go hand in hand. Last week I finally broke down and filed for bankruptcy. For the last three years, I tried to avoid this move. Unfortunately, after the marriage with "CJ" ended, he left me in such financial ruin that bankruptcy was my only option. I cannot truly explain how this feels. I'm pissed because my financial state isn't totally my fault. "CJ" put us in debt. Sadly, I didn't have the balls to ever say no to him, so ALL our marital debt ended up on my credit. I tried the last few years to keep up with it, but truth be told, I don't make that much money and even if I did, I don't think I could have dealt with all the debt from our marriage.

Filing for bankruptcy makes me feel a bit like a failure. All my adult life, until my marriage to "CJ", I had great credit and was a responsible person. I'm still responsible but the bankruptcy thing makes me feel a bit like a loser. I know it isn't my fault and I realize that in today's economy LOTS of folks have gone through the same thing. Still..........I feel a bit like a failure and this makes me a bit more bitter. Yes, I know. MORE bitter..........scary stuff. I know that I am doing the right thing. Hell, it doesn't really matter I guess. Officially bankrupt or not my credit score is still lower than my weight! :) I know I'll get through it but at the moment it just kinda sucks. It's making me a bit more stressed and anxious than normal. Yes, I know. Even SCARIER.

And "BitterMel" rolls on my friends! Through breakups & bankruptcy, I still hold on to the one thing that gets me through: my twisted sense of humor. Hell, it could always be worse........right? :)


Til next time,
Broke & Bitter

The "Love Nazi"

Lemme put this first: If you're a fan of the show "Seinfeld", ya get the title of this bit of bitterness. If not, Google the "Soup Nazi" episode. Good stuff!

Soooo.........about 4 months ago I started dating this guy. We'll call him "SG." We've known each other for about 13 years. He's tall, built, funny, sweet, good-looking..........just a doll. Prior to us dating, we had not seen each other in about 2 years. He lives about 2 hours away from me so we hadn't run into each other in some time. Through mutal friends, he found out that I was divorced and vice versa.

"SG" calls me up one Sunday, outta the blue. He was in town for a football game and wanted to know if I could meet up for a drink after the game. I had plans that evening and declined the drink offer. He called me a few times that week we made plans to go out. That Thursday he drove up to take me to dinner. As soon as we saw each other.......BOOM! Instant chemistry. After our first date it was all over for both of us. We were smitten.

Despite the distance, "SG" and I saw each other as often as we could. At least every weekend. He made me laugh, was extremely romantic, treated me like a princess, and gave me "butterflies." He would do the sweetest things for me: leave me Hershey's kisses in places he knew I'd find them, leave me cute cards, make smiley faces outta cotton balls in the bathroom in the morning before he left.........he was wicked thoughtful. He made me smile in a way that I hadn't smiled in a VERY long time. I was beyond happy and fell in love. As did he...or so I thought.

"SG" and I became serious quickly. We'd known each other a long time. He spent Thanksgiving with my family and I met his family at Christmas. Everything seemed to be going perfect. We both had "life" stresses: money, work, etc. but we communicated and helped each other with things. Then in February, just before Valentine's Day, we had our first fight. THAT did it.

Huh? A fight ended the relationship? WTH?! EXACTLY!!!!!! I'm still trying to figure it all out. Long story short, he came down on a Saturday & we had plans to see a band that he's friends with. I wasn't feeling well and told him to go without me and take one of his friends. He made plans and off he went. He said he wouldn't be home late. I went to sleep and woke up around 2am. I hadn't heard from him since around 9pm so I shot him a text. Nothing for an hour. Sent him a few more texts in the next hour or so. Nada. I was a bit worried. I knew he was gonna have a few cocktails and wondered if something happened. About 4:45am he finally calls.....drunk. I was pissed. Very disrespectful. I basically left his bag by the door and told him to leave the key to my house on the table and split. When he showed up at my house, I had calmed down a bit. I told him he could sleep on the couch & we would chat the next morning. I guess I really pissed him off 'cause he left the key, split, and that was it.

Now I fully realize I over-reacted when I told him to leave the key. My bad. That being said, he didn't think he did anything wrong. We spoke the next day and he was nursing a very bad hangover. Appologies were exchanged and I thought all was good. Not so much. After the fight his whole attitude changed. It was like I was dating a different person. He no longer had time to talk, his sweet text messages stopped, and he was just too busy & stressed to take time for me.

Being 41, having dated lots, and having been married twice, I GET when someone is trying to blow me off. I asked him if we should slow down, date & see other people, etc. He said nooooo.........he loved me and wanted to just see me. He just didn't know how to juggle everything. I tried to give him space, was understanding, and didn't push him. Three weeks went by and his personality was still off. It was like the fight turned him into someone different. Hell, ya have to have a fight once in awhile to maintain a good relationship!

I tried to leave myself open to him but was continuously brushed aside. He was just too busy for me. YET........he didn't wanna break up. FINALLY I said what he didn't have the balls to say and we ended the relationship. He said that the fight made him realize how busy he really was and how he didn't have time for a relationship. WHAT?! 'Cause he had the same schedule when we first started dating but all of the sudden he's too busy? Wow. THAT hurts. I don't get how you love someone then all of the sudden you find out they aren't perfect and BOOM.........DONE. I can't just cut my emotions off like that. Not cool.

Yet ANOTHER heartbreak. As we all know, I was left pretty broken after my divorce and finally trusted someone again and I get the boot after a fight?! I know, I know.............makes my head hurt too. Crushing, truly.

The lesson here is that I guess it's good we ended it sooner than later. I mean, if ya don't have the balls to go a round with me and have a fight, then you definitely don't have the set to date me. It's not like I presented myself as an angel in white with a halo. Ya KNOW what you're getting with me. If I'm anything, I'm honest and don't hide my personaility. It's not like I shocked the man. Damn!

So I move ahead with my life with one more scar on my heart. What can ya do? All I can do is keep going and say............ "No soup for you! NEXT!!!!!!!!!"