Bitter Big Mouth...Again

Throughout the years, way before I became "bitter", I had a big mouth.  I've had it all my life.  According to my parents I spoke very early in life and never shut up.  I spoke early & learned to boss others early.  I was the "queen" of pre-school and truth told, the bossy never left me. Nor did the big mouth.  Sometimes the big mouth gets me in trouble. Ok...lots of times.  As I get older though I'm learning to stand behind the words that spew forth from my mouth. I take ownership of the things I say...right or wrong.

I never meant to be a radio chick.  I kinda fell into it & developed a love for it.  I was one of the lucky people in radio:  I got put on a heritage morning show after only three months on the air full time.  Quite the feat for a chick with little experience.   I learned quickly that radio was and still is a "boys club."  For years I played by the rules, always underestimating my talent, and took a back seat to those I worked with.  As the years went on, I continued to try hard to be successful in the radio business & I realized that a "bitch" attitude would be my only shield in a corporation where guys rule.  Don't misunderstand me, women can be successful in radio but only if they're willing to put up with a lot of bullshit.  Either guys are hitting on you & trying to play grab ass or they pick on you relentlessly.  It's how it goes. A woman must have a truly thick skin to truly become a success in this business.   A few years ago I thought there was the real possibility that I would become a success in radio.  Now, I doubt it.  I always told myself that I'd get our of radio when it wasn't fun anymore.  I do believe that time is close.

Unfortunately for me, I get sick.  Lots.  I have had an autoimmune disease a few years back & my body just doesn't like to cooperate sometimes.  For the last week I've had a severe case of bronchitis. Total pain.  To go along with the chest pain & cough, I lost my voice.  NOT festive when you talk for a living.  I had to take three days off work much to the dismay of the guys I work with. Now don't misunderstand me, I recognize their frustration.   It's hard to work as a team when a player isn't there. Sadly, they weren't as understanding about my situation.   Taking crap from guys is what I do and I think I handle it well...on the radio & off. There is a limit though.  Not just for me as a female but as a person.  Even bitter bitches have feelings. That seemed to escape some of the guys I work with.  Not a great time when people take shots at ya when you aren't there to defend yourself.  Especially not a great time when your home with no voice, on an inhaler to breathe and on numerous drugs.

I'm not throwing anyone under the bus nor am I trying to feel sorry for myself.  It is what it is.  I over-reacted to the situation and opened my big mouth. I did what you "shouldn't do" in corporate America...I shot off an angry email.  I  didn't act properly & showed my ass to a certain degree. I admit my faults.   I'm defenitely not perfect. My big mouth may have gotten me in trouble.  Hell, As I write this I realize that my big mouth may even get me fired.  Risk I take having a big mouth.  Especially in a "boys world."  Although I regret letting my emotions take over before my brain could catch up, I don't regret how I feel.  Sometimes stepping away from your day to day life puts things in perspective.

I'm bitter with a big mouth.  I don't play by the rules well. Never have.  Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it isn't.  At the end of the day, I just wanna be happy.  Change has always scared me but maybe a change is exactly what my big mouth needs.

Bitter Girl gets a Boo Boo

In the past year I've met & dated some amazing guys. Two of these guys wanted to shower me with love and treat me like a princess.  I loved both these men in different ways but let fear of the future and a crush on another man screw up both relationships. I hurt both the men I dated because I "had feelings" for another guy that I'm "friends" with.  I am an idiot.  Clear and simple.  An idiot.  

When I dated "D" I had a HUGE crush on my "friend". I couldn't continue our relationship because I thought the "friend" and I had a shot.  Then I dated "K" and REALLY thought I was ready for a relationship.  We were moving forward and BOOM!   Fear kicked in.  I also still had some unresolved feelings for my "friend".  I hurt the feelings of "K" and "D" because of my fear and my unresolved feelings for my "friend".  The "friend" & I eventually hooked up, making my feelings stronger for him.  I thought he actually liked me.  I now realize I was stupid.  I know, I know......we all make mistakes.   I think one of the reasons I dug the "friend" so much was because he reminded me of my EX.   YEP.  The "jackass" EX.  

I KNOW now that I'm obviously not ready for a fabulous man.  I've had two & let them slip away.  Not sure the feelings for my "friend" are as strong as I think.  There's the possibility I'm holding onto that so I don't have to commit.  Guess all this means I'm not ready.  Can't lie though.....when I found my "friend" started dating another girl I felt my heart hurt.  My face got red & I felt like I'd been slapped.  

Well....look at that..."BitterMel" has a soft spot   The "Bitter" girl has a boo boo & feels like a fool.   Karmas a bitch. I asked for this one.  Still sucks though. 

Bitter "Bitch" in a Boys World.

This past week was THE worst week I've ever had while in radio. It's the first time I've ever thought that I may be in the wrong business. I recognize my feelings but am also aware that I'm not in total control of my emotions. One of the guys I work with called me a "pouty, whiny bitch" this week. His words left a mark & stung badly. Unfortunately, he's right. When he said that to me I couldn't argue. I'm sure it's one of the only times in my life I didn't have a snippy comeback. I am sadly not in control of my body right now. It's not an excuse to be a bitch, I just can't control how I react. And it sucks. For the past 6 months I've been struggling with my hormones. Trying to battle your body blows. I don't sleep well, I'm constantly tired and often quite sensitive. This is NOT how I usually am. Working with all guys gets old sometimes as I am constantly picked on. This isn't new...it's part of being a "radio rock chick." Normally I can handle the jabs thrown at me & block em or take the hit like a pro. That hasn't been the case lately. I'm reacting to things said, even in jest. I actually cried at work this week. Yes. I cried. And I'm WELL aware there's no crying for a chick. I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can't win. It's a feeling that isn't festive. It's not easy being a woman in radio. It's a complete "boys club" but I've always managed to do ok. I don't feel that way now. I feel like I'm sinking. According to my doctor, the reason for my emotional freak-outs is menopause. Yep. I'm in the early stages and it is a nightmare. The doc says a hysterectomy will fix the physical & emotional issues. Great. A major surgery which means time off work. It's awful that I think that way. Work shouldn't be my focus...my health should be my concern but I know the time I'll have to take off work will hurt me professionally. Never fun to wonder if you'll still have a gig after missing a few weeks. That said I know if I don't do it, I'll end up getting fired. My attitude isn't great right now. I KNOW I'm too sensitive. I KNOW I'm too bitchy. I KNOW I take things too personally. And I KNOW I can't change my hormones. It's a scary situation. I recognize when I over-react or say something overtly snippy. Im just not in control. I've dealt with a situation similar to this before. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. It's a thyroid disease. I was sick for years before doctors figured out the problem. So sick that when they finally diagnosed me, I had to have radiation immediately. Apparently I was lucky it didn't kill me. Before the doctors figured out my problem, I dealt with many similar symptoms that I'm dealing with now: emotional outbursts, unexplained anger, sleepless nights, being hot one minute & freezing the next, feeling insecure......totally sucks. Especially when you KNOW you are over-reacting to something but can control your feelings. How do you try and explain this to guys you work with? They don't get it. They think it's an excuse. Being told you cannot have a child and that part of your body needs to be shut down is hard to comprehend but the situation is harder when you can't seem to stop how you act/react on a day to day basis. It's especially rough when the guys you work with think of you as a "guy w/boobs". It's not in my nature to act "girly". I've always been a tough, strong, in control female. Very difficult to WANT to act a certain way but your body ain't listening. It's confusing. Not just for me but for everyone around me. I get it, I just can't CHANGE it. I'm all about embracing my bitterness but the bitchiness needs to bolt. Fingers crossed my smart, radio savvy bitter babe part will defeat the silly, whiny, crying bitchy babe I've seemed to have turned into this week.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"......bummer

"To Thine Own Self Be True". A quote from Shakespeare that I have tattooed on my arm. Words to live by. Sadly, being "true" to yourself sometimes hurts others. A few months ago I met an amazing man. Sweet, kind, smart, interesting, and attractive man. Treats me like a princess & wants to spend time with me. We dated & developed sting feelings for each other. Everything seemed perfect til we discussed moving in together. I truly thought I was ready to settle down. Unfortunately I was wrong. As moving in together became real (looking at houses, talking finances) I freaked. I felt trapped & very anxious. I began to recognize that I'm not ready to share my life with ANYONE. I am beyond lucky to have this man in my life, but the thought of settling down makes me feel like I can't breathe. This of course means either he's not "the one" OR I'm just not over my last ruckus of a marriage. Don't misunderstand me: I am all about closing the door to the past but I'm not ready to fully close that door, lock it, & toss away the key. When I split from my EX husband I had to deal with a lot of crap. Cheating, lying, losing my job 10 days after leaving the EX, bankruptcy , divorce proceedings, ect. It's been tough just surviving & not having a freakin breakdown. I never stopped to cry & mourn the loss I felt. Although I'm stronger emotionally than I ever thought I'd be, I still have feelings that I need to deal with. Until I deal with those feelings, I can't share my life totally with anyone else. I don't know if it'll take a year, 10 years or longer. At the end of the day, it'll take as long as it takes. AND...that's ok. Being true to myself is important but being honest with others is more important. Part of me HATES the way I feel. I liked being married. I like the idea of having a partner The other part of me realizes that I shouldn't apologize for how I feel. Being honest with myself & going with my gut may hurt someone else but I have to do what feels right for me. "To Thine Own Self Be True". Definitely words to live by. The buzz kill is hurting someone else's feelings. Bummer for sure.

Banking on "Bitter"......

"Bank on Bitter". That's my new motto. The last few months have been interesting. I'm trying to figure out exactly who I am. All parts of me: the radio chick, the friend, the chick that likes sex & will admit it, the grown up, the divorced chick, the bankrupt bitch, etc. It's interesting to look at all parts of who you are. Scary but interesting. Through my self discovery, I've decided that the "Bitter Bitch" is not only a role I play well on the radio, but part of my personality. The part that I think may make me some loot. I realized this past weekend that I am not fully over my last divorce. It's been five years & I still feel a lot of pain. Weird. I'm a balls out chick. I thought I'd be totally over it by now. I'm not though and that's ok. It'll take however long it takes Over the weekend I faced a very disturbing truth about my last marriage: I was mentally abused. Lots. I admitted that to someone over the weekend. Out loud. I've NEVER done that. I guess because I'm a strong, hard core chick I never wanted to face that part of my life. It makes me feel weak. Maybe I didn't acknowledge it because I had so much other crap to deal with. I felt like a failure because my 2nd marriage didn't work. I was trying to process the EX's constant cheating & lying AND deal with bankruptcy. Oh...and I lost my job two weeks after I left his punk ass. The mental damage was pushed WAY back in my skull. I just couldn't handle dealing with that along with all the other BS I had to deal with. So......here I am, five years later, recognizing and admitting something I never though possible. I was married to a mean dude. The damage he did to me mentally I'm still dealing with. Hell, it could be something I deal with for five more years or forever. As I process my emotions & work through some mental crap, I might as well try and profit from it. If I'm gonna be a "Bitter Bitch" I might as well try and cash in on it. I KNOW what I dealt with is totally minor compared to what some people deal with. I realize how lucky I am. But since I DO have a twisted since of humor I might as well try and bank on my bitterness. Making money wouldn't suck and helping others with what I've learned would be killer! Hence my new motto & philosophy: Bank on the Bitter baby! Ya gotta go with your strengths, right? :)

Bitter Mel Beyond Repair?

At the present time, I have 4 girlfriends getting divorced. Not just chicks I know or work with but really close friends. I have 2 other girlfriends who have husbands that have cheated on them but have decided to stick out the marriage & work on things. It makes me so very sad to see my friends go through such pain. Unfortunately, I know their pain all too well. That's one of the reasons my friends confide in me. They KNOW I get it. The sadness, pain, anger, frustration, confusion...the list of emotions is never ending. People often say time heals all wounds. Not buying it. Some wounds are too deep to heal and your left with a scar. Some nastier than others.

I remain loyal & positive to my friends going through divorce but I'm also honest. Blowing sunshine up someone's ass isn't helpful. It's been 4 years since I split from "Captain Jackass" & I'm still not over it. I don't think I realized that until recently. Two weeks ago I was invited to a Strongman competition. I KNEW if I went I'd run into some people that are still friendly with my ex. The possibility made me nauseous. I went to the event, saw guys competing and almost hurled. There was no way I was getting out of the car. I just couldn't. The thought literally made me queasy. Wasn't happening.

Last weekend my Dad competed in a powerlifting meet. At the age of 70, quite the feat! He trained hard.....driving 2 hours to Columbia,SC. My Dad trained with some friends of the ex. When I went to the powerlifting meet, I KNEW I'd see a few guys that used to hang with my ex. I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I saw the ex's buds. A sadness came over me that was kinda disturbing. I had flashbacks of "good times" with the ex and I wasn't prepared for that. Odd how 4 years later I'm still affected by such trivial things. I mean, it wasn't like any of the guys were rude. Everyone was quite friendly. I just wasn't expecting the feelings that came over me.

It was THEN that I got it: I'm not completely over my divorce. I'm not completely over the psycho I was married to. Do I still love him? Noooooooo. Would I ever want to see him again? Noooooooo. Will I be forever scarred by what I went through? Yep.

Don't misunderstand me. My life has & will continue. I'm sure one day I'll find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Now I just realize AND can accept that I've changed as a person. I'm not sure I'll ever truly trust someone again. I'm also pretty certain that I'll never marry again. Sad? Maybe but I'm honest.

It's THIS honesty that I give to my friends going through turmoil. You CAN survive & become a stronger person. You CAN go through years of crap & still not get over someone. But life rolls on. The pain DOES subside as time goes on. Eventually you stop crying, take hold of the anger, then recognize that you can use what you went through to help others. Ya don't get over it completely. Ever. Some woulds leave a mark that lasts a lifetime. BUT, as with all scars, time does help it fade. Some wounds aren't meant to heal. The scar reminds us of our past mistakes. And that's OK. The trick is using those wounds/scars to your advantage.

Bitter Mel Beyond Repair? I'm gonna say no. I don't wanna be the same person. I like to think I'm smarter and stronger.

Bitter, Badass, & BEYOND lucky.

Wow. What a year 2011 was. I finally found the balls to file for bankruptcy & try and close the "Captain Jackass" chapter of my life. It's crazy how long it takes to get over a bad divorce. There's the emotional stuff, which is beyond hard. The physical stuff, which is learning to live alone & be OK with it. Then there's the financial stuff, which lasts for years. In my opinion, the financial stuff has been the hardest to deal with. I'm beyond broke BUT I've now learned to accept it. Starting over is sometimes the best thing. I'm slowly starting to accept that.

I hate to be TOO optimistic, but 2012 has started off fabulous!

Job wise, I had to make a hard decision. It's odd in radio. If you're a chick in rock with an attitude you have to fight harder to be recognized for your talents. Especially if you're a chick with multiple talents. I love radio like no other profession. Sometimes this love makes me stupid. I have a tendency to be loyal to the detriment of myself. I realized that this year. I was given the opportunity to work with Woody & Wilcox on 106.5 The End. Both the guys are amazing talents & are too funny!! I struggled with making the switch. I was with 99.7 The Fox for 6 years & always wanted to be the rock queen of that station. It took some soul searching but I realized I wasn't truly being appreciated for my work & talent. As scary as it was, and it was VERY scary, I left The Fox to work with Woody & Wilcox. Change scares me and I was beyond nervous. I made the decision to join Woody & Wilcox and it was the BEST decision I've made for myself in years. I truly can't imagine my life without these guys now. Professionally, I'm happier than I've been in years!

This new found job happiness is paying off too! Because of my job, I was able to go on The Monsters of Rock Cruise recently. A huge cruise ship with 30 80's rock bands. A DREAM come true for me!!! I can't explain how insane it was to see rock stars that you worshipped 25 years ago walking around a cruise ship taking pictures with people. These were guys I had posters of growing up! Here I am, on a boat, talking & taking pictures with these guys. It was truly one of the most amazing experiences ever! I'm honored I was able to take part in such event. I think I'm still a bit star struck from the event! The BEST thing is that the promoter of the cruise wants me to come back next year. WHAT?! Sweeeeet!! Whose life is this??

Although my bitterness continues, I haven't found a man that can handle me yet, I must admit that giddiness is at an all time high. I work with some amazing, talented dudes, I have some of THE most kick ass friends, my family is constantly there for me, & I have two crazy loving doggies. The last few years have sucked. Truly. I'm optimistic that 2012 will rock! I find myself saying "Hell Yeah" way more than "What the hell" now. It's off to a good start AND IRON MAIDEN is coming to Chatlotte this Summer. That's GOTTA be a sign of good things to come, right?!

;) rock on!!

Big Bitter Mouth

Good intentions. Totally have them. Especially when it comes to my job. Sadly, my passion for what I do sometimes interferes with the "appropriate" way business needs to be conducted. Of course, if I REALLY wanted to be "appropriate" I wouldn't be in the radio biz.

I've been extremely lucky in the business of radio. Lots of folks have to move all over the country every few years and change jobs. Since I began in radio, I've been in two cities: Charlotte, NC & Columbia, SC. I started in Charlotte, moved to Columbia, and then came BACK to Charlotte. WAY lucky! Of course, it's taken me a few years to realize that luck is only PART of the reason I've been able to be in these two great cities. Talent has something to do with it as well.

For many years, I've been the "yes" or "no problem" girl. At work and in lots of my relationships. If you know me, you wouldn't think this of me. I think my last marriage wore me down. Not just personally, but in ALL aspects of my life. Within the last few months I've been standing up for myself in my personal & my professional life. And it's felt freakin' awesome! Odd and strange, but awesome! "Talent" isn't something I've ever thought about before. I've always just felt lucky. And I am! But this year I realized that I DO have talent & that talent is WHY I've been so lucky!

I have an unbelieveable passion for music. That passion is what fueled my interest in radio. Once I began in radio, I loved it! Truely. I love everything about it: the wacky personalities, the crazy hours, the relaxed atmosphere, the music, the insanity...........LOVE IT! Sadly, as many do, myself included, I let that love blind me for a bit. I realized this year that I wasn't getting back what I was putting into my job. I know, I know.........in this economy if you have a job be grateful! AND I AM! Trust me. BUT.......the passion that I had and the love that I had was fading. Fast. I was being pulled in too many directions.

I, for once, stood up for myself. NOT in the most appropriate way, BUT I stood up for myself. Something I haven't done personally or professionally in WAY too long. I knew there was a risk. Hell, I could have easily have been fired. My mouth went off before my brain had time to catch up. THIS doesn't always work well for me as my mouth tends to get me in trouble. Lots. :)

Yet I did it. And I'm glad I did! Now, don't get me wrong. I should have expressed my concerns in a more professional fashion. Next time, I'll know. Sadly, passion for what you do or who you are sometimes wins and "professional" or "appropriate" just doesn't matter. There are times in life you just have to stand up for WHO you are and what you feel. Does it always work? Nope. Does it matter? Nope. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel proud of who and what you ARE, that is all that matters at the end of the day.

All the above said, I am still wicked glad I have my job. Damn I have a big mouth sometimes. :) Good thing.

Breakups, Bankruptcy, & Bitterness..........

Ahhhhhh........the "Big B's" of my life continue! I gotta stop waiting so long to "vent" & blog about my bitterness more. Lord knows there is ALWAYS something I can bitch about! :) Sooooo.......here's the latest:

I recently went through another break-up. This one is a bit different though. It wasn't a break-up with a guy but with a very close friend. Let's call this friend "Lucy." "Lucy" and I were extremely close friends for the last 11 years. We both experienced painful divorces from cheating husbands, we were females in a mostly male dominated business and shared struggles, and we both loved to laugh & have a good time. We enjoyed and cried about the ups and downs of life together and we were always there for each other. Neither one of us were perfect but we never judged each other in regard to our imperfections. Truth be told, we were quite solid, or so I thought.

Last year, "Lucy" broke the "girl code." She hit on a guy that she knew I was talking to. I had been on a few dates with this guy but that was it...........nothing serious. "Lucy" went out of her way to hit on the guy and send him some suggestive pictures. Not cool. I don't think I need to go through the "Rules of Chick Friendship." We all know this is not acceptable. "Lucy" and I chatted, I was honest with her about how I felt and I told her that her actions hurt my feelings. It wasn't about the dude but about "Lucy" breaking the trust within the friendship. She apologized, I forgave her, we moved on. THAT'S what friends do. Friends forgive.

Recently I was seeing a guy and "Lucy" did the same type of thing. "Big D" and I were friends for about a year and throughout that year, we saw each other off & on. Long story short, "Big D" decided he wanted to take our relationship to another level. I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. "Lucy" inserted herself into the situation and became "friends" with "Big D" on Facebook. She sent him a message behind my back, giving him tips on how to "deal" with me. Again......a move that is NOT COOL. "Lucy" told me what she did about a week later. I expressed my dislike of the situation and explained to her that I am a grown woman. NO need to interfere in my love life. I think her intentions were good but I am not a fan of people inserting themselves into my love life. She said she was sorry and we again moved on. Soon after this situation, "Lucy" began making inappropriate comments on "Big D's" Facebook page. Comments laced with sexual innuendo. AGAIN, I expressed my dislike for this. "Lucy" said she understood. Sadly the comments didn't stop and I told "Lucy" that i was not happy with her actions. She didn't get it. "Lucy" couldn't understand why I was upset. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't just about a guy, it was about her breaking my trust....again. No matter how I tried to tell her this, she just refused to get it. In her mind, I was being a "prude" and she didn't see the big deal. Over & over I tried to explain to "Lucy" that it was a trust issue. She couldn't or didn't want to understand. I ended our conversation before it got too heated.

Unfortunately, "Lucy" doesn't understand how important trust is between friends. She is close with another woman and neither of them seem to understand boundaries. If THEY wanna do it, if it makes THEM feel good, then they do it. Don't get me wrong, I am not an angel. I've done my fair share of shady things. I just don't do shady things to my friends. I've had many of the same close girlfriends for years & years. There is a reason for this: I respect my friends. To be a good friend you have to have trust, love, and respect. These are 3 things that every relationship needs. If they aren't there, the relationship fails.

I feel like I've lost another husband in a way. "Lucy" and I were very tight and went through so many things together. I hope one day she'll understand true friendship. "Lucy" is a wonderful person and I miss her so. I just don't think she can comprehend how badly she hurt me. Sometimes to be a good friend, you have to put your pride aside and recognize when you've done something wrong. Even if YOU don't think its wrong, if it hurts a friend then it's wrong. Accountability for bad actions is important. I'm not perfect, but if I screw up, I own it. I'll put my pride aside and admit if I am wrong. In my opinion, "Lucy" let her pride end a very close friendship. Friends that love you for YOU........faults & all are quite hard to come by. I shall miss "Lucy" and all our fun times and I wish her the best.

The next two "B's" go hand in hand. Last week I finally broke down and filed for bankruptcy. For the last three years, I tried to avoid this move. Unfortunately, after the marriage with "CJ" ended, he left me in such financial ruin that bankruptcy was my only option. I cannot truly explain how this feels. I'm pissed because my financial state isn't totally my fault. "CJ" put us in debt. Sadly, I didn't have the balls to ever say no to him, so ALL our marital debt ended up on my credit. I tried the last few years to keep up with it, but truth be told, I don't make that much money and even if I did, I don't think I could have dealt with all the debt from our marriage.

Filing for bankruptcy makes me feel a bit like a failure. All my adult life, until my marriage to "CJ", I had great credit and was a responsible person. I'm still responsible but the bankruptcy thing makes me feel a bit like a loser. I know it isn't my fault and I realize that in today's economy LOTS of folks have gone through the same thing. Still..........I feel a bit like a failure and this makes me a bit more bitter. Yes, I know. MORE bitter..........scary stuff. I know that I am doing the right thing. Hell, it doesn't really matter I guess. Officially bankrupt or not my credit score is still lower than my weight! :) I know I'll get through it but at the moment it just kinda sucks. It's making me a bit more stressed and anxious than normal. Yes, I know. Even SCARIER.

And "BitterMel" rolls on my friends! Through breakups & bankruptcy, I still hold on to the one thing that gets me through: my twisted sense of humor. Hell, it could always be worse........right? :)


Til next time,
Broke & Bitter

The "Love Nazi"

Lemme put this first: If you're a fan of the show "Seinfeld", ya get the title of this bit of bitterness. If not, Google the "Soup Nazi" episode. Good stuff!

Soooo.........about 4 months ago I started dating this guy. We'll call him "SG." We've known each other for about 13 years. He's tall, built, funny, sweet, good-looking..........just a doll. Prior to us dating, we had not seen each other in about 2 years. He lives about 2 hours away from me so we hadn't run into each other in some time. Through mutal friends, he found out that I was divorced and vice versa.

"SG" calls me up one Sunday, outta the blue. He was in town for a football game and wanted to know if I could meet up for a drink after the game. I had plans that evening and declined the drink offer. He called me a few times that week we made plans to go out. That Thursday he drove up to take me to dinner. As soon as we saw each other.......BOOM! Instant chemistry. After our first date it was all over for both of us. We were smitten.

Despite the distance, "SG" and I saw each other as often as we could. At least every weekend. He made me laugh, was extremely romantic, treated me like a princess, and gave me "butterflies." He would do the sweetest things for me: leave me Hershey's kisses in places he knew I'd find them, leave me cute cards, make smiley faces outta cotton balls in the bathroom in the morning before he left.........he was wicked thoughtful. He made me smile in a way that I hadn't smiled in a VERY long time. I was beyond happy and fell in love. As did he...or so I thought.

"SG" and I became serious quickly. We'd known each other a long time. He spent Thanksgiving with my family and I met his family at Christmas. Everything seemed to be going perfect. We both had "life" stresses: money, work, etc. but we communicated and helped each other with things. Then in February, just before Valentine's Day, we had our first fight. THAT did it.

Huh? A fight ended the relationship? WTH?! EXACTLY!!!!!! I'm still trying to figure it all out. Long story short, he came down on a Saturday & we had plans to see a band that he's friends with. I wasn't feeling well and told him to go without me and take one of his friends. He made plans and off he went. He said he wouldn't be home late. I went to sleep and woke up around 2am. I hadn't heard from him since around 9pm so I shot him a text. Nothing for an hour. Sent him a few more texts in the next hour or so. Nada. I was a bit worried. I knew he was gonna have a few cocktails and wondered if something happened. About 4:45am he finally calls.....drunk. I was pissed. Very disrespectful. I basically left his bag by the door and told him to leave the key to my house on the table and split. When he showed up at my house, I had calmed down a bit. I told him he could sleep on the couch & we would chat the next morning. I guess I really pissed him off 'cause he left the key, split, and that was it.

Now I fully realize I over-reacted when I told him to leave the key. My bad. That being said, he didn't think he did anything wrong. We spoke the next day and he was nursing a very bad hangover. Appologies were exchanged and I thought all was good. Not so much. After the fight his whole attitude changed. It was like I was dating a different person. He no longer had time to talk, his sweet text messages stopped, and he was just too busy & stressed to take time for me.

Being 41, having dated lots, and having been married twice, I GET when someone is trying to blow me off. I asked him if we should slow down, date & see other people, etc. He said nooooo.........he loved me and wanted to just see me. He just didn't know how to juggle everything. I tried to give him space, was understanding, and didn't push him. Three weeks went by and his personality was still off. It was like the fight turned him into someone different. Hell, ya have to have a fight once in awhile to maintain a good relationship!

I tried to leave myself open to him but was continuously brushed aside. He was just too busy for me. YET........he didn't wanna break up. FINALLY I said what he didn't have the balls to say and we ended the relationship. He said that the fight made him realize how busy he really was and how he didn't have time for a relationship. WHAT?! 'Cause he had the same schedule when we first started dating but all of the sudden he's too busy? Wow. THAT hurts. I don't get how you love someone then all of the sudden you find out they aren't perfect and BOOM.........DONE. I can't just cut my emotions off like that. Not cool.

Yet ANOTHER heartbreak. As we all know, I was left pretty broken after my divorce and finally trusted someone again and I get the boot after a fight?! I know, I know.............makes my head hurt too. Crushing, truly.

The lesson here is that I guess it's good we ended it sooner than later. I mean, if ya don't have the balls to go a round with me and have a fight, then you definitely don't have the set to date me. It's not like I presented myself as an angel in white with a halo. Ya KNOW what you're getting with me. If I'm anything, I'm honest and don't hide my personaility. It's not like I shocked the man. Damn!

So I move ahead with my life with one more scar on my heart. What can ya do? All I can do is keep going and say............ "No soup for you! NEXT!!!!!!!!!"

2010: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

Welcome to 2011! The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly all happened in 2010. It was definitely an interesting ride. Kinda like a roller coaster. Too bad roller coasters make me hurl!

Let's start off with The UGLY. "CJ" aka Captain Jackass and I FINALLY divorced in August. It took just under 3 years to get rid of him. I settled with him just to end all of the drama. Also to end the expensive attorney's fees! After being left about $300,000 in debt, having my credit ruined, having my house foreclosed on, and dealing with numerous creditors, I walked out of the court house with "CJ" owing me $5000. Really? It took almost 3 years for THAT?! Total buzzkill. That being said he still OWES me half that money. I have no doubt that collecting the rest of the money he owes me will be a major pain in my ass. No shock there. Despite the emotional and financial hits, I'm still a very lucky girl. Those of you who are familiar with "CJ" know what I mean. Getting rid of him was SO worth all the stress and financial loss. I'm alive, I have a loving family, and some amazing friends.

Now for the BAD. By BAD I mean stuff that sucks. Nothing in my life is truly bad.....I have a place to live, a job, clothes to wear, and food to eat. My "Bad" is just stuff that's annoying and a pain. Nothing too major. My first bit of bad is my weight. I went from very to skinny to chubby in 2010. Thyroid issues and my steady dating of "Ben & Jerry" along with not working out left me with some extra poundage. Not the worst thing in the world but a pain. That being said, it's totally my fault. I ate ice cream & became a bit lazy. I have no one to blame but myself.....I get it. Now I CAN'T GET INTO most of my clothes. OY! Working on it.

In 2010 I had some friendships change. I guess this isn't really a BAD thing just a bit sad. It's surprising when people aren't who they portray themselves to be. My definition of a friend is a person that is loyal, honest, loving, and true. I've had many of the same girlfriends for 20 years. Despite the different paths we've all chosen in life, we are still there for each other. As I get older, I realize I don't want or have time for fake or jealous people. If someone in your life tries to belittle you or tries to control you, then they are not a friend. I had a husband that did that........don't need a friend like that. I would rather spend time alone than with someone who doesn't add joy and happiness to my life.

Totally bad and painful in 2010 was my shoulder surgery. Ahhh....old age. Ouch! When the doc went in to fix it, he realized there was more damage than he originally thought. It still hurts but I'm doing well. I was released from PT a month after surgery so I'm rockin' towards recovery!

There are lots of GOOD things that occured in 2010. The most amazing thing is that I am DRAMA-FREE! Holy Hell........what a change! Since the split from "CJ" over 2 years ago, I have attended counsling sessions. Seeing someone every few weeks and discussing my problems & feelings has helped me get over all the emotional trauma "CJ" left me with. It also helped me stay off the show "Snapped." :) After years of catering to someone else, I am now doing what I want to do. I have a better understanding of the person I am and what I want out of life. I'm also aware of what I DON'T want out of life! It's quite an interesting change for me to be "normal."

My boyfriend is one of the best things that happened in 2010. Yeah.......I said boyfriend. He is one of the reasons I am a bit less "bitter." I've known "Smiles" for about 13 years. He's a big fella.....6'3, 280lbs...I like the big boys. Despite his large stature, he is THE kindest man I know. I laugh and smile constantly when I'm with him. I get butterflies when I hear his voice or think of him. I'm happy. Just plain happy. It's been a VERY long time since I was happy. AND I deserve it damnit!

So there ya go.......The GOOD, The BAD, and The UGLY. Looking back at 2010, the good outweighed the bad and the ugly. Hell, even the ugly turned out pretty good! Divorce can be a wonderful thing.

I'm hoping 2011 will bring luck and some changes my way. I think it's time for me to explore some other options in life. Fingers crossed things fall into place for me this year.

I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions BUT I will say this: 2011 WILL BE MARRIAGE FREE!!!! JUST when ya thought the bitterness was gone............. :)

Hope 2011 rocks for you!

And When I Got Away I Only Got SO far.........

It's been just over two months now since my divorce was final. It took me almost two years to get a tiny bit of money from "Captain Jackass" the EX. The money I am getting (in payments stretched out) doesn't even cover a 1/4 of the debt I was left in. My house was forclosed on, I have no savings, and I live paycheck to paycheck at the age of 40. My credit score is a joke. All I've worked for the past few years is gone.

Money isn't the only thing I have to worry about. Because I was married to "Tiger Woods without the money" I have to make sure I'm ok health wise. This involves being tested for AIDS every year. Is this something I HAVE to do....no. Is it something that I feel I NEED to do.......yes. I don't know where or who "CJ" was with. It's in my best interest to make sure I'm all good to go.

The above being said, I do understand that I wasn't the only "victim" of CJ. There have been a few other females that have come out in the past two years to tell sexual stories about my EX. They aren't happy tales. There are also a few folks that "CJ" left in debt. Not cool. I totally sympathize/empathize with these people. I understand their pain more than anyone! BUT, I REALLY don't wanna hear anymore! I get that these people are looking for someone that can identify with their pain but I'm trying to move the hell on! My divorce is FINAL! He's like the "gift that keeps on giving" except that it's a gift ya can't exchange!! I wanna forget that SOB! Moving on is hard enough, I surely don't need anymore story sharing.

For those who have contacted me, please don't take it personal. I truly do get the drama and pain that you are dealing with. My advice to you is to move on. OR sue "CJ" for the debt he left you with. I got nothing for you........monetarily or emotionally. I'm tapped out folks. I got nada.

If ya wanna start a club where we can all rock out festive & fun tee shirts....count me in! I'll be the President. Outside of that, I'm done. :)

Ding Dong..............

For the past 18 months I've tried to hold it together. I was lied to, cheated on, and left in serious debt. At this point in time, I still don't know how I'm gonna bounce back financially. Despite all the emotional ups & downs and all the stress of the last 18 months, I now feel like a HUGE boulder has been lifted from my shoulders. I AM FINALLY DIVORCED! :)

I wasn't sure how I would feel when my divorce became final. "CJ" was a person I trusted and loved with all my heart. His actions truly shattered me. I was unclear if I was going to break down once the divorce was final. This is my second divorce in 10 years. Not a real sporty track record. Despite the things that I went through with "CJ", I never became an "evil" chick. I wasn't trying to screw him over in the divorce. When I divorced my first husband, I didn't take a dime from him. I left the marriage with the things I came in with. With this marriage, all the marital debt was in my name. I moved out of my house truly believing that "CJ" wouldn't screw me over monetarily. HA! I got totally screwed! I lost my house, my credit, my Wii........everything! Even though I was left six feet in a hole , I only asked the EX for a bit of money. I just needed enough to pay back some relatives and file for bankruptcy. Truly, despite all my anger and hurt, I wasn't trying to screw over "CJ." Sadly, not all "men" are men. He refused to be accountable and responsible for his part in our marital debt. Not cool. Our divorce ended up taking months longer because of "CJ's" inablity to accept responsiblity for his actions.

Last Tuesday, August 3, I became FREE! Our divorce became final. I cannot lie.....I've smiled more in the past week than I have in the last year. I'm still stressed about cash and I'm still broke as hell, but I'm no longer connected to "CJ" and that has made me feel unreal. I thought after the divorce was final, I might feel a bit of loss. I assumed a sense of saddness would take over. Didn't happen. I have felt stronger since last Tuesday. I'm more confident and feel more alive than I have in a very long time. Hell, I lost 250lbs of dead weight and unhappiness.......that would make any girl feel light and airy! "Ding Dong The Dumbass Is Gone!" I couldn't be more thrilled!! I believe BitterMel will be better than ever!

Where's my toy damnit!

Let me first start off by saying I am NOT a skinny person. Never have been. I was a chubby kid and have struggled with weight issues all my life. I've been overweight, I've been anorexic, I've been in great shape. Here's the thing: there are NO quick fixes. If you eat sensibly and exercise you can keep excess weight off. This is true for adults as well children. I myself very rarely visit fast food places. I know that if I eat burgers & fries everyday I will gain weight. At the moment I'm about 10lbs heavier than I wanna be. Whose fault is that??? MINE! I like beer. Beer=weight gain. I'm not blaming Miller Lite. It's all on me baby!! It ain't rocket science.

In Santa Clara county, California, they have voted to ban the practice of giving away free toys to children with unhealthy restaurant meals. This my friends means the end of the McDonalds Happy Meal. I have a freakin' problem with this. Personally, I have never seen a kid tool through the drive-thru on his Big Wheel ordering a Happy Meal. If kids are eating too much junk food or too much fast food, it's the fault of their parents. "No" ain't a big word people. If you think the tiny toy in the meal is causing your kids to be overweight, you have a problem. If you can't say "no" to the kids in the car while passing a fast food restaurant, what are ya gonna do when they see a cartoon character on a box of sugar cereal in the grocery store? What happens when you pass the frozen foods isle? Do they scream for pizza and ice cream? Do you as parents buy it just to get them to zip it?

The problem isn't kids wanting a damn toy. The problem is parents not being able to tell their kids they can't have everything they want. When we were little, McDonalds or any other fast food place was a special treat. If we won our swim meet and the team was going to McDonalds to celebrate, we were allowed to go. If my brother and I were in the back of the car whinning for fast food, it didn't happen. Just because a child wants something doesn't mean they get it!!! My Dad said it best when we where young. If we wanted something that he didn't want us to have he would say "People in Hell want ice water. Ya can't have everything you want." Done. That would shut us up. Were we happy about not getting what we wanted?? No. Did he care? NO. Life ain't fair.....you cannot always get what you want.

Fast food restaurants and video games aren't making kids fat. Parents are making childhood obesity possible. If you have a child that eats junk food where is that kid getting the food from? Another sight I have yet to see is a kid at the grocery store with a cart full of crap. PARENTS are the ones buying the cookies, chips, sweets, etc. If a child doesn't exercise or play outside and sits in front of the TV all day playing video games, it's not the video game company's fault. They are YOUR kids.........raise them! It is not, and I repeat NOT the responsibility of the government to raise your children. It's bad enough that many teachers in this country have to spend have their day teaching kids "home training." Fast food restaurants are not responsible for the obesity in this country. We as people should take charge of our own lives. If you are an adult on the go, you can eat protein bars, nuts, sandwiches, etc in your car. You are not forced to go through a drive-thru place. If you have kids and they stay on the go, there are numerous snacks you can pack for children. Fast food isn't your only option.

If you wanna be a "fat bastard" or want your kids to have whatever they want then pull on up to the window and order. Don't blame outside sources for problems that are yours. If you have a kid that has a weight issue, teach them about healthy choices. Take walks with your kids.......get 'em away from the video games. Learn as a parent to use that little awful word "no." Responsibility & accountablility people. Look 'em up or Google 'em. Until you can understand that YOU, not the government nor fast food restaurants, are in charge of your life, give me my damn Happy Meal toy and shut the hell up.

:) McDonalds for lunch?? Anyone???

THE List

Recently, my Mom gave me a plant with little red & yellow flags in it. On each of the flags, there was a word. "Available." "Caring." "Honest." "Financially Stable." You get the idea. The point of the plant was for me to recognize "red flags" when beginning a relationship. I got a big problem with that, as do many chicks. Sooooooo......in honor of my Mom & her plant, my girls and I got together and came up with a list of things that are red flags. Quite honestly, I don't think we girls ask for too much. Most of the below involves common sense. Below is "THE List."

WARNING: Numerous cocktails were consumed while coming up with this list. I've cleaned it up as much as possible but know going in, it gets a bit racy at times. Enjoy!

THE LIST:
* No Teeth
* No Job
* Lives with his Mom
* Married
* Tells you "I'm leaving my wife for you....just give me some time."
* Only hits you up after 1am..........that is a "BOOTY CALL" If ya need a little fine, but he ain't a keeper
* Only texts or hits you up on Facebook but won't call you. That means he just isn't THAT into you
* Beer gut bigger than your boobs
* Man boobs
* Tan line on ring finger
* Lives with wife but says they are "separated."
* Wears "man jewelry" in excess.....lots of gold
* No Jorts
* Refuses to send flowers because he says "they die." WTH?? Ya drink beer and piss that away.....what's the difference??!
* No driver's license
* Wears socks with sandals
* If he calls you by a different name.........gotta go.
* Only comes to your place but won't invite you to his.
* No slobs
* Can't carry on a conversation and be social
* Doesn't have an IQ higher than your dog's
* Likes your friends
* Isn't jealous
* Can't have the same birthday
* No cops
* No drug addicts, alcoholics, steroid users
* No Strongmen
* No comb-overs
* Must have some "experience"
* No bad kissers
* No men that use more hair product than you
* No gay men (for dating) If he watches "The View" or "Oprah" he's gotta go!
* No ex-boyfriends........except for sex
* No bad shoes
* No "sweater" back hair
* No mullets or ratails
* If you're going bald....rock it! No wigs, hair plugs, etc.
* No shaving of the arms/legs. Be a dude!
* No Speedo wearers
* Manscape....google it!
* NO heavy cologne users.....shower up boys!
* No "forcing".......think about it
* No "putting that THERE" without a discussion first. Ass-play without warning is out!

SUCKER

Trust: 1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one
b. One in which confidence is placed

Sucker. Yep, I'm one. Total sucker. I think we're all all "suckers" for something. Cute animals, chocolate, shiny toys and gifts, wrong men or women. Oh yeah........we've all been sucked in by something or someone.

Trust is a big part of gettin' sucked in. It's funny how we trust or don't trust people and things. Everyone is different, of course. I am not the kinda person that trusts strangers. As a general rule, I'm suspicious of people I do not know. I seem to have NO problem though giving my trust to those that have hurt me before. Doesn't make a ton of sense, I know. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bit nuts!

The past few years I've trusted and believed in men that have hurt me previously. Now, one would think that I'd be a bit skeptical of these men since I've freakin' cried my eyes out over 'em. I've eaten Ben & Jerry's, drank beer, eaten cookie dough, lost weight, not eaten, over-ate, worked out, become lazy, complained to my girlfriends, etc. All the usual chick things. And yet, when these dudes come back to me, appologizing for their wrongdoings, I have taken them back and placed my trust in them AGAIN. Am I insane??!! I believe the "I love you's", the "I will never hurt you again's" , the "your the perfect woman for me's", the "your my best friend's"..........you get what I mean. I buy into the BS. I actually believe what comes outta their mouths. I am clueless.......I get sucked in each time.

I understand that communication between men & women is a major issue in relationships. We think quite differently. I just don't get why people don't say what they mean and mean what they say. If you're confused, say it. If you're unhappy, say it. If you don't know what the hell your doing, say it!!!!

Once these relationships end I am shocked and devestated. I get so sucked into the "happy, happy, joy, joy" scenerio that I miss the most important thing. That TRUST NEEDS TO BE EARNED!!! Why do I continue to just give it away?? Why do I believe the things that are said to me? I am relatively bright. I'm an outspoken, strong female. I just seem to date & marry the wrong guys and trust the wrong people. Maybe that is my problem. I'm never into the "right" guys.......you know, the guys your parents like. I have always liked a guy that is smart, witty, good looking, sweet, funny, kind, and a bit of a bad ass. I like guys that are confident, social, talkative, into music and pop culture. As I write this, all the above seems ok. Sounds like a killer guy to me! Yet the dudes I end up with are not just all of the above.........they also come with drama and baggage. Yes, we ALL have some baggage. I just seem to be attracted to the guys that have the BIG SET OF SAMSONITE BAGGAGE!!! No carry-ons for me! Drama & mayhem central right here. I grew up with lots of drama and mayhem, so I'm used to it. Obviously, that's part of my problem. I'm workin' on that.

So again I'm back to why and how I continuously get sucked in. I SHOULD know better by now! Do I just attrack crazies? Doest it say "I'm a sucker" on my forehead? Am I just self-destructive? OR am I just a regular chick that's been played? I used to think that everyone deserves a second chance. I've handed a few second chances out and they've bitten me in the ass! Now I'm not sure what the hell I believe.

I do know this: If you've hurt me before, if you've taken advantage of our friendship, or just filled my head with lies and BS, I won't be sucked in again. I haven't yet mastered the whole "earn my trust" thing, but I have become quite good at the "screw you, I'm a tiny bitter woman" thing. Lionel Richie says "Your once, twice, three times a lady." I say "once, twice, three times I'm pissed." :) Trust that suckers!! :)

Glad I'm Gifted!

It's been 18 months. 18 months........STILL not divorced. The soon-to-be-EX (hopefully) and I have no children. There are no monies in dispute. I mean, he left me basically bankrupt and now has to pay me some $$ for a few months since he was found in contempt of court, but there isn't a large sum of loot to be had from either one of us. WTH is the holdup???

Why would you be a serial cheater and want to drag out a divorce? He's Tiger Woods without the cash. It doesn't make sense. If you're gonna be a scumbag then man up and stand proud! Do your thing and move the hell on. I have no doubt it's an ego thing with "CJ"......lord knows his ego is bigger than any of his body parts. Is he just pissed 'cause I'm the only woman to leave his punk ass? Did his current girlfriend realize the type of person he is and give him the boot? Is he just so bored he has nothing else to do? Who the hell knows?! It's amazing that a big man like him can be such a child. He can lift a car but can't pick up his pride? Since he knows I'm annoyed I am sure he'll drag it out as long as possible. Sadly for him, my anger gives me strength so I can continue to rock on as long as I need to. It just sucks. It really shouldn't have to be this way. Come on! Dude.........to quote Wayne's World......"Live in the NOW!"

Never shall I marry again, so it's not like I want a divorce to move on in another relationship. I just want it done so I can move on with my life. Freakin' marriage is a three-ring circus: engagment ring, wedding ring, and suffering. I'm stuck in the third damn circle and can't get out! I had to hock the other two to pay bills he left me with. I'm gonna need a candy apple or some cotton candy to make it through this circle, I can tell ya that!

As one of my favorite tee-shirts states: "Anger Is A Gift." Glad I'm freakin' gifted!

:)

Will 40 Be Freakin' Fabulous???????

It's been quite some time since I've been "BitterMel." For the past few months I've been "Bummed Out Mel." I began to get a bit depressed just before the holidays. Of course, lots of folks get a bit down around the holidays, that's normal. Maybe I got down because I was sick with sinus issues from November through December. I spent Thanksgiving alone & Christmas solo. I went out a little and attended a few holiday functions with friends, which I enjoyed. I'm lucky to have so many buddies around. Still, I felt down in the dumps.

My mood was beyond "holiday blues." Before the blues could move along, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Not sure "celebrated" is the right word, but I turned 40 nonetheless. My birthday is January 12th. "CJ'", my soon to be EX husband, turned 41 on January 13. Our wedding anniversary would have been January 14. I really didn't think that any of these dates effected me. I was wrong. I think they all did to a degree.

I know lots of people freak over "big birthdays." I've never been that way. Turning 40 didn't seem like such a monster deal to me. I mean, I'm not an uptight 40 year old. None of my friends are really. Hell, just weeks before my "Big 40" I went out with a 23 year old! I didn't feel old, that wasn't the problem. I just felt lost, bummed out, and confused.

The day before my birthday I had a huge crying fit. It lasted for about two hours. Those that know me well know that I'm not a big crier. I just don't do it much. Not that there is anything wrong with crying, it's just not something I do often. I get through tough events by acting like a hard-ass, by using humor, and by talking to friends. I'm always scared if I breakdown and cry I won't be able to stop. I get scared that crying will take away my ability to stay strong. Man.....was I WRONG!! Crying was EXACTLY what I needed to do! I felt so much better after letting it all out. I need to cry more! I talk lots and am very vocal about problems but I tend to bottle up my grief. It's probably why I'm sick so much. I internalize my grief and don't let it out.

It was around this time that I began to read a book my friend gave me months ago. The book is called "Rebuilding; When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. By reading this book I realized that my "bummed" out mood is normal for people who have been separated for about a year. Made me feel good 'cause I thought I was losin' it and finally going nuts! Apparently lots of people go through a depression around a year after breaking up with someone they've been with for a long time. I had been through so much in the past year; found out the hubby was a constant cheater, moved, lost my job, got my job back, fell in love again with an "old" flame, got my heart broken, moved again, and turned 40. I had a reason to be just a bit bummed out!!!!! During the "year of hell", as I call 2009, I didn't once stop to grieve. There was no breakdown, no freak-out, no screaming fit. That's just not me. I just kept my ass truckin' and tried to get through each day.

Hell, I NEEDED to freak-out!!!!! I not only lost a husband, the person I thought was my best friend, I also lost a family, children, a house, my financial stability, my financial security and credit standing, my pride, and what I thought was to be my future. After going through the motions the past year, I was left wondering why I wasn't further along in life at the age of 40. I worried about ending up alone. I lost alot in the span of a year. I SHOULD have had a breakdown.......it was well deserved! I didn't. I survived on anger & bitterness.

Don't misunderstand me. "CJ", the EX, is the KING of all jackasses! I have no doubt I'll one day see him on a talk show or the show "Snapped." At some point in his life, one of the women he's screwed over will just lose it. It just won't be me. I've learned this year that he just isn't worth it.

I will always have anger towards "CJ", he owes me some serious coin! After going through all I have this past year, I now feel more sorry for him than anything. He is and will always be unhappy. He will never be able to look in the mirror and be ok with the person he is. He will never be lucky enough to have the support system that I have. No matter how much I dislike him, he's just a very sad soul.

As the days have passed since my 40th birthday, I am trying really hard to grasp my life differently. When I was married to "CJ" I lived my life for him. My life was wrapped around what HE wanted........always. After the marriage disolved I was left wondering who the hell I was. I'm STILL trying to figure it out. My friends encouraged me to make a "40 Things I Want To Do While 40" list. Some of the stuff on the list may never happen.......like me going to Law School. Other things on the list are a bit more in my reach like going roller skating and learning how to knit. The point is, I made the list FOR ME! Will I accomplish everything on the list.......who knows? I'm gonna give it a shot though. I am going to do what I can and what I want to do no matter who likes it. I mean, I'm 40!!!!! It's about damn time to step up and do whatever the hell I want, right??! At the end of the day, I'll just be happy with doing more for myself and not feeling guilty about it.

Ya Gotta Go With The Gut

In the past few weeks I have had a few different discussions with a few of my girlfriends about life. One of my closest friends has some doubts about the guy she is dating. We had a long talk about her situation the other day and she mentioned to me that she just "feels" like he is doing something bad. As she spoke to me, she tried to conveince herself that maybe the feeling she is having is wrong. WHY do we as women do that??!! Anytime we have a "gut" feeling we try to talk ourselves out of going with that feeling! We are so conditioned to make excuses for people that we don't go with what we KNOW is right!!!

When I was with "CJ" I just KNEW he was cheating! We were living together but were not yet married. I had this feeling deep in my stomach that something was wrong. I did a bit of "Nancy Drew" investigating and was RIGHT!!!! I called him on it, called the girl on it ( I knew her) and both denied their relationship. "CJ" said I was "crazy" for thinking he was cheating. He told me I was just over-emotional because I was sick. At the time I was suffering from Graves Disease, which is a thyroid disease. He continued to make ME feel WRONG because I accused him of cheating, which was exactly what he was doing!!! Nice guy, right?! I let him convience me that I was nuts because I was sick. I choose to believe his lies. I ignored the pit in my stomach. I ignored the nagging in my gut. NOT good! I was dead on......he was cheating with the girl I knew. He didn't have the stones to "man" up. Damn shame really. If I would have been true to myself and gone with my gut I would have saved myself years of heartache and wouldn't be looking at bankruptcy. If there is one thing I have learned within the past few months it's that I always need to be true to myself. If I feel something is wrong, if I think someone is lying, if I have that icky feeling in my gut, I go with it. When that little voice inside myself says "Hey, something is not kosher" I listen to it!

Women so often ignore their gut reaction or feeling. We are so used to making excuses for people. Usually we as women are used to looking at the best in someone or something. We aren't supposed to think of ourselves first. Women are care-givers and are just so conditioned to taking care of the needs of others that we ignore our own needs. THAT IS CRAP!!! Don't do it!!!!! If you are in a relationship or situation and you think something is off, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!! Always go with the gut!!! Nine times outta ten, you are gonna be right!!!! Listen to yourself. Hell, even if your gut says "Don't eat another whole pizza again!" LISTEN! :) Step up ladies and guys!!! Ya gotta go with the gut. Don't ignore yourself....ignore the bs that others try to sell ya!

It's Better To Have Loved & Lost..............

As the clock tick tocks toward January, when my divorce will be final (4 months, 2 days...not that I'm counting) I try and find comfort in a magnet my good friend Amy gave me. This fabulous magnet is on my fridge and I look to it daily for hope and inspiration. It says "IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO LIVE WITH A PSYCHO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

THIS is oh so true!! The past few months I've gone through lots of emotional pain and some serious monetary pain! I've struggled with anger, depression, bitterness, anger, sadness, loss, and anger. It's difficult to let go of someone you love and even more difficult to realize the person you loved was NOT the person you thought they were. It's extrememly difficult to handle truth. To finally accept that the person you were with for 6 years was never a good person is hard. To deal with the fact that you were used is rough. What kind of person uses someone for 6 years?? How can someone seem so smart, kind, and normal when they are really a psycho?? It's like waking up in the middle of a crazy Lifetime movie! You know the one where the wife discovers her husband is not who he says he is and is leading a double life..........it's wacky!! You feel like an idiot. You feel crazy. You feel dumb.

I have now come to the realization that I'm ok. I loved someone. I thought they were a good person. I gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I was caring, forgiving, and loving. That doesn't make me stupid or dumb or crazy. That just makes me human. For months I've been beating myself up for not realizing I was "getting played." I now get that I'm human. I can't fault myself for loving. I can't keep second guessing my actions. I understand now that I was taken in my an unusually manipulative person. EVERYONE I know.....family, friends, co-workers.....were taken in. I'm not at fault for loving, trusting, and caring for someone. Hell, I'm not even sure he's to blame. When you're outta you're mind crazy you usually don't know it. He's got no idea he's so screwed up.

When the EX "CJ" and I first separated, a friend of mine gave me some excellent words of wisdom. He said that one day, when I got over my anger, that I'd feel sorry for the EX because he's a lost soul. I comprehend those words now. I do feel sorry for him. Am I still angry........oh HELL YES! He left me broke.......I'm probably gonna have to file for bankruptcy. THAT makes me mad. That being said, I can start over. Credit, money, material things can be replaced and/or fixed. Karma will stop by one day and pay him a visit. I'm thinking that won't be pretty! I can move on because I am a good person and I did my best. I made mistakes but I can learn from them. I can wake up everyday and look at myself in the mirror. I don't think he can do the same.

Whenever I feel bad, upset, or angry I just look to the magnet of truth. "IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO LIVE WITH A PSYCHO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" Words to live by!!!!