Will 40 Be Freakin' Fabulous???????

It's been quite some time since I've been "BitterMel." For the past few months I've been "Bummed Out Mel." I began to get a bit depressed just before the holidays. Of course, lots of folks get a bit down around the holidays, that's normal. Maybe I got down because I was sick with sinus issues from November through December. I spent Thanksgiving alone & Christmas solo. I went out a little and attended a few holiday functions with friends, which I enjoyed. I'm lucky to have so many buddies around. Still, I felt down in the dumps.

My mood was beyond "holiday blues." Before the blues could move along, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Not sure "celebrated" is the right word, but I turned 40 nonetheless. My birthday is January 12th. "CJ'", my soon to be EX husband, turned 41 on January 13. Our wedding anniversary would have been January 14. I really didn't think that any of these dates effected me. I was wrong. I think they all did to a degree.

I know lots of people freak over "big birthdays." I've never been that way. Turning 40 didn't seem like such a monster deal to me. I mean, I'm not an uptight 40 year old. None of my friends are really. Hell, just weeks before my "Big 40" I went out with a 23 year old! I didn't feel old, that wasn't the problem. I just felt lost, bummed out, and confused.

The day before my birthday I had a huge crying fit. It lasted for about two hours. Those that know me well know that I'm not a big crier. I just don't do it much. Not that there is anything wrong with crying, it's just not something I do often. I get through tough events by acting like a hard-ass, by using humor, and by talking to friends. I'm always scared if I breakdown and cry I won't be able to stop. I get scared that crying will take away my ability to stay strong. Man.....was I WRONG!! Crying was EXACTLY what I needed to do! I felt so much better after letting it all out. I need to cry more! I talk lots and am very vocal about problems but I tend to bottle up my grief. It's probably why I'm sick so much. I internalize my grief and don't let it out.

It was around this time that I began to read a book my friend gave me months ago. The book is called "Rebuilding; When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. By reading this book I realized that my "bummed" out mood is normal for people who have been separated for about a year. Made me feel good 'cause I thought I was losin' it and finally going nuts! Apparently lots of people go through a depression around a year after breaking up with someone they've been with for a long time. I had been through so much in the past year; found out the hubby was a constant cheater, moved, lost my job, got my job back, fell in love again with an "old" flame, got my heart broken, moved again, and turned 40. I had a reason to be just a bit bummed out!!!!! During the "year of hell", as I call 2009, I didn't once stop to grieve. There was no breakdown, no freak-out, no screaming fit. That's just not me. I just kept my ass truckin' and tried to get through each day.

Hell, I NEEDED to freak-out!!!!! I not only lost a husband, the person I thought was my best friend, I also lost a family, children, a house, my financial stability, my financial security and credit standing, my pride, and what I thought was to be my future. After going through the motions the past year, I was left wondering why I wasn't further along in life at the age of 40. I worried about ending up alone. I lost alot in the span of a year. I SHOULD have had a breakdown.......it was well deserved! I didn't. I survived on anger & bitterness.

Don't misunderstand me. "CJ", the EX, is the KING of all jackasses! I have no doubt I'll one day see him on a talk show or the show "Snapped." At some point in his life, one of the women he's screwed over will just lose it. It just won't be me. I've learned this year that he just isn't worth it.

I will always have anger towards "CJ", he owes me some serious coin! After going through all I have this past year, I now feel more sorry for him than anything. He is and will always be unhappy. He will never be able to look in the mirror and be ok with the person he is. He will never be lucky enough to have the support system that I have. No matter how much I dislike him, he's just a very sad soul.

As the days have passed since my 40th birthday, I am trying really hard to grasp my life differently. When I was married to "CJ" I lived my life for him. My life was wrapped around what HE wanted........always. After the marriage disolved I was left wondering who the hell I was. I'm STILL trying to figure it out. My friends encouraged me to make a "40 Things I Want To Do While 40" list. Some of the stuff on the list may never happen.......like me going to Law School. Other things on the list are a bit more in my reach like going roller skating and learning how to knit. The point is, I made the list FOR ME! Will I accomplish everything on the list.......who knows? I'm gonna give it a shot though. I am going to do what I can and what I want to do no matter who likes it. I mean, I'm 40!!!!! It's about damn time to step up and do whatever the hell I want, right??! At the end of the day, I'll just be happy with doing more for myself and not feeling guilty about it.