SUCKER

Trust: 1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one
b. One in which confidence is placed

Sucker. Yep, I'm one. Total sucker. I think we're all all "suckers" for something. Cute animals, chocolate, shiny toys and gifts, wrong men or women. Oh yeah........we've all been sucked in by something or someone.

Trust is a big part of gettin' sucked in. It's funny how we trust or don't trust people and things. Everyone is different, of course. I am not the kinda person that trusts strangers. As a general rule, I'm suspicious of people I do not know. I seem to have NO problem though giving my trust to those that have hurt me before. Doesn't make a ton of sense, I know. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bit nuts!

The past few years I've trusted and believed in men that have hurt me previously. Now, one would think that I'd be a bit skeptical of these men since I've freakin' cried my eyes out over 'em. I've eaten Ben & Jerry's, drank beer, eaten cookie dough, lost weight, not eaten, over-ate, worked out, become lazy, complained to my girlfriends, etc. All the usual chick things. And yet, when these dudes come back to me, appologizing for their wrongdoings, I have taken them back and placed my trust in them AGAIN. Am I insane??!! I believe the "I love you's", the "I will never hurt you again's" , the "your the perfect woman for me's", the "your my best friend's"..........you get what I mean. I buy into the BS. I actually believe what comes outta their mouths. I am clueless.......I get sucked in each time.

I understand that communication between men & women is a major issue in relationships. We think quite differently. I just don't get why people don't say what they mean and mean what they say. If you're confused, say it. If you're unhappy, say it. If you don't know what the hell your doing, say it!!!!

Once these relationships end I am shocked and devestated. I get so sucked into the "happy, happy, joy, joy" scenerio that I miss the most important thing. That TRUST NEEDS TO BE EARNED!!! Why do I continue to just give it away?? Why do I believe the things that are said to me? I am relatively bright. I'm an outspoken, strong female. I just seem to date & marry the wrong guys and trust the wrong people. Maybe that is my problem. I'm never into the "right" guys.......you know, the guys your parents like. I have always liked a guy that is smart, witty, good looking, sweet, funny, kind, and a bit of a bad ass. I like guys that are confident, social, talkative, into music and pop culture. As I write this, all the above seems ok. Sounds like a killer guy to me! Yet the dudes I end up with are not just all of the above.........they also come with drama and baggage. Yes, we ALL have some baggage. I just seem to be attracted to the guys that have the BIG SET OF SAMSONITE BAGGAGE!!! No carry-ons for me! Drama & mayhem central right here. I grew up with lots of drama and mayhem, so I'm used to it. Obviously, that's part of my problem. I'm workin' on that.

So again I'm back to why and how I continuously get sucked in. I SHOULD know better by now! Do I just attrack crazies? Doest it say "I'm a sucker" on my forehead? Am I just self-destructive? OR am I just a regular chick that's been played? I used to think that everyone deserves a second chance. I've handed a few second chances out and they've bitten me in the ass! Now I'm not sure what the hell I believe.

I do know this: If you've hurt me before, if you've taken advantage of our friendship, or just filled my head with lies and BS, I won't be sucked in again. I haven't yet mastered the whole "earn my trust" thing, but I have become quite good at the "screw you, I'm a tiny bitter woman" thing. Lionel Richie says "Your once, twice, three times a lady." I say "once, twice, three times I'm pissed." :) Trust that suckers!! :)

Glad I'm Gifted!

It's been 18 months. 18 months........STILL not divorced. The soon-to-be-EX (hopefully) and I have no children. There are no monies in dispute. I mean, he left me basically bankrupt and now has to pay me some $$ for a few months since he was found in contempt of court, but there isn't a large sum of loot to be had from either one of us. WTH is the holdup???

Why would you be a serial cheater and want to drag out a divorce? He's Tiger Woods without the cash. It doesn't make sense. If you're gonna be a scumbag then man up and stand proud! Do your thing and move the hell on. I have no doubt it's an ego thing with "CJ"......lord knows his ego is bigger than any of his body parts. Is he just pissed 'cause I'm the only woman to leave his punk ass? Did his current girlfriend realize the type of person he is and give him the boot? Is he just so bored he has nothing else to do? Who the hell knows?! It's amazing that a big man like him can be such a child. He can lift a car but can't pick up his pride? Since he knows I'm annoyed I am sure he'll drag it out as long as possible. Sadly for him, my anger gives me strength so I can continue to rock on as long as I need to. It just sucks. It really shouldn't have to be this way. Come on! Dude.........to quote Wayne's World......"Live in the NOW!"

Never shall I marry again, so it's not like I want a divorce to move on in another relationship. I just want it done so I can move on with my life. Freakin' marriage is a three-ring circus: engagment ring, wedding ring, and suffering. I'm stuck in the third damn circle and can't get out! I had to hock the other two to pay bills he left me with. I'm gonna need a candy apple or some cotton candy to make it through this circle, I can tell ya that!

As one of my favorite tee-shirts states: "Anger Is A Gift." Glad I'm freakin' gifted!

:)