It's been just over two months now since my divorce was final. It took me almost two years to get a tiny bit of money from "Captain Jackass" the EX. The money I am getting (in payments stretched out) doesn't even cover a 1/4 of the debt I was left in. My house was forclosed on, I have no savings, and I live paycheck to paycheck at the age of 40. My credit score is a joke. All I've worked for the past few years is gone.
Money isn't the only thing I have to worry about. Because I was married to "Tiger Woods without the money" I have to make sure I'm ok health wise. This involves being tested for AIDS every year. Is this something I HAVE to do....no. Is it something that I feel I NEED to do.......yes. I don't know where or who "CJ" was with. It's in my best interest to make sure I'm all good to go.
The above being said, I do understand that I wasn't the only "victim" of CJ. There have been a few other females that have come out in the past two years to tell sexual stories about my EX. They aren't happy tales. There are also a few folks that "CJ" left in debt. Not cool. I totally sympathize/empathize with these people. I understand their pain more than anyone! BUT, I REALLY don't wanna hear anymore! I get that these people are looking for someone that can identify with their pain but I'm trying to move the hell on! My divorce is FINAL! He's like the "gift that keeps on giving" except that it's a gift ya can't exchange!! I wanna forget that SOB! Moving on is hard enough, I surely don't need anymore story sharing.
For those who have contacted me, please don't take it personal. I truly do get the drama and pain that you are dealing with. My advice to you is to move on. OR sue "CJ" for the debt he left you with. I got nothing for you........monetarily or emotionally. I'm tapped out folks. I got nada.
If ya wanna start a club where we can all rock out festive & fun tee shirts....count me in! I'll be the President. Outside of that, I'm done. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Ding Dong..............
For the past 18 months I've tried to hold it together. I was lied to, cheated on, and left in serious debt. At this point in time, I still don't know how I'm gonna bounce back financially. Despite all the emotional ups & downs and all the stress of the last 18 months, I now feel like a HUGE boulder has been lifted from my shoulders. I AM FINALLY DIVORCED! :)
I wasn't sure how I would feel when my divorce became final. "CJ" was a person I trusted and loved with all my heart. His actions truly shattered me. I was unclear if I was going to break down once the divorce was final. This is my second divorce in 10 years. Not a real sporty track record. Despite the things that I went through with "CJ", I never became an "evil" chick. I wasn't trying to screw him over in the divorce. When I divorced my first husband, I didn't take a dime from him. I left the marriage with the things I came in with. With this marriage, all the marital debt was in my name. I moved out of my house truly believing that "CJ" wouldn't screw me over monetarily. HA! I got totally screwed! I lost my house, my credit, my Wii........everything! Even though I was left six feet in a hole , I only asked the EX for a bit of money. I just needed enough to pay back some relatives and file for bankruptcy. Truly, despite all my anger and hurt, I wasn't trying to screw over "CJ." Sadly, not all "men" are men. He refused to be accountable and responsible for his part in our marital debt. Not cool. Our divorce ended up taking months longer because of "CJ's" inablity to accept responsiblity for his actions.
Last Tuesday, August 3, I became FREE! Our divorce became final. I cannot lie.....I've smiled more in the past week than I have in the last year. I'm still stressed about cash and I'm still broke as hell, but I'm no longer connected to "CJ" and that has made me feel unreal. I thought after the divorce was final, I might feel a bit of loss. I assumed a sense of saddness would take over. Didn't happen. I have felt stronger since last Tuesday. I'm more confident and feel more alive than I have in a very long time. Hell, I lost 250lbs of dead weight and unhappiness.......that would make any girl feel light and airy! "Ding Dong The Dumbass Is Gone!" I couldn't be more thrilled!! I believe BitterMel will be better than ever!
I wasn't sure how I would feel when my divorce became final. "CJ" was a person I trusted and loved with all my heart. His actions truly shattered me. I was unclear if I was going to break down once the divorce was final. This is my second divorce in 10 years. Not a real sporty track record. Despite the things that I went through with "CJ", I never became an "evil" chick. I wasn't trying to screw him over in the divorce. When I divorced my first husband, I didn't take a dime from him. I left the marriage with the things I came in with. With this marriage, all the marital debt was in my name. I moved out of my house truly believing that "CJ" wouldn't screw me over monetarily. HA! I got totally screwed! I lost my house, my credit, my Wii........everything! Even though I was left six feet in a hole , I only asked the EX for a bit of money. I just needed enough to pay back some relatives and file for bankruptcy. Truly, despite all my anger and hurt, I wasn't trying to screw over "CJ." Sadly, not all "men" are men. He refused to be accountable and responsible for his part in our marital debt. Not cool. Our divorce ended up taking months longer because of "CJ's" inablity to accept responsiblity for his actions.
Last Tuesday, August 3, I became FREE! Our divorce became final. I cannot lie.....I've smiled more in the past week than I have in the last year. I'm still stressed about cash and I'm still broke as hell, but I'm no longer connected to "CJ" and that has made me feel unreal. I thought after the divorce was final, I might feel a bit of loss. I assumed a sense of saddness would take over. Didn't happen. I have felt stronger since last Tuesday. I'm more confident and feel more alive than I have in a very long time. Hell, I lost 250lbs of dead weight and unhappiness.......that would make any girl feel light and airy! "Ding Dong The Dumbass Is Gone!" I couldn't be more thrilled!! I believe BitterMel will be better than ever!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Where's my toy damnit!
Let me first start off by saying I am NOT a skinny person. Never have been. I was a chubby kid and have struggled with weight issues all my life. I've been overweight, I've been anorexic, I've been in great shape. Here's the thing: there are NO quick fixes. If you eat sensibly and exercise you can keep excess weight off. This is true for adults as well children. I myself very rarely visit fast food places. I know that if I eat burgers & fries everyday I will gain weight. At the moment I'm about 10lbs heavier than I wanna be. Whose fault is that??? MINE! I like beer. Beer=weight gain. I'm not blaming Miller Lite. It's all on me baby!! It ain't rocket science.
In Santa Clara county, California, they have voted to ban the practice of giving away free toys to children with unhealthy restaurant meals. This my friends means the end of the McDonalds Happy Meal. I have a freakin' problem with this. Personally, I have never seen a kid tool through the drive-thru on his Big Wheel ordering a Happy Meal. If kids are eating too much junk food or too much fast food, it's the fault of their parents. "No" ain't a big word people. If you think the tiny toy in the meal is causing your kids to be overweight, you have a problem. If you can't say "no" to the kids in the car while passing a fast food restaurant, what are ya gonna do when they see a cartoon character on a box of sugar cereal in the grocery store? What happens when you pass the frozen foods isle? Do they scream for pizza and ice cream? Do you as parents buy it just to get them to zip it?
The problem isn't kids wanting a damn toy. The problem is parents not being able to tell their kids they can't have everything they want. When we were little, McDonalds or any other fast food place was a special treat. If we won our swim meet and the team was going to McDonalds to celebrate, we were allowed to go. If my brother and I were in the back of the car whinning for fast food, it didn't happen. Just because a child wants something doesn't mean they get it!!! My Dad said it best when we where young. If we wanted something that he didn't want us to have he would say "People in Hell want ice water. Ya can't have everything you want." Done. That would shut us up. Were we happy about not getting what we wanted?? No. Did he care? NO. Life ain't fair.....you cannot always get what you want.
Fast food restaurants and video games aren't making kids fat. Parents are making childhood obesity possible. If you have a child that eats junk food where is that kid getting the food from? Another sight I have yet to see is a kid at the grocery store with a cart full of crap. PARENTS are the ones buying the cookies, chips, sweets, etc. If a child doesn't exercise or play outside and sits in front of the TV all day playing video games, it's not the video game company's fault. They are YOUR kids.........raise them! It is not, and I repeat NOT the responsibility of the government to raise your children. It's bad enough that many teachers in this country have to spend have their day teaching kids "home training." Fast food restaurants are not responsible for the obesity in this country. We as people should take charge of our own lives. If you are an adult on the go, you can eat protein bars, nuts, sandwiches, etc in your car. You are not forced to go through a drive-thru place. If you have kids and they stay on the go, there are numerous snacks you can pack for children. Fast food isn't your only option.
If you wanna be a "fat bastard" or want your kids to have whatever they want then pull on up to the window and order. Don't blame outside sources for problems that are yours. If you have a kid that has a weight issue, teach them about healthy choices. Take walks with your kids.......get 'em away from the video games. Learn as a parent to use that little awful word "no." Responsibility & accountablility people. Look 'em up or Google 'em. Until you can understand that YOU, not the government nor fast food restaurants, are in charge of your life, give me my damn Happy Meal toy and shut the hell up.
:) McDonalds for lunch?? Anyone???
In Santa Clara county, California, they have voted to ban the practice of giving away free toys to children with unhealthy restaurant meals. This my friends means the end of the McDonalds Happy Meal. I have a freakin' problem with this. Personally, I have never seen a kid tool through the drive-thru on his Big Wheel ordering a Happy Meal. If kids are eating too much junk food or too much fast food, it's the fault of their parents. "No" ain't a big word people. If you think the tiny toy in the meal is causing your kids to be overweight, you have a problem. If you can't say "no" to the kids in the car while passing a fast food restaurant, what are ya gonna do when they see a cartoon character on a box of sugar cereal in the grocery store? What happens when you pass the frozen foods isle? Do they scream for pizza and ice cream? Do you as parents buy it just to get them to zip it?
The problem isn't kids wanting a damn toy. The problem is parents not being able to tell their kids they can't have everything they want. When we were little, McDonalds or any other fast food place was a special treat. If we won our swim meet and the team was going to McDonalds to celebrate, we were allowed to go. If my brother and I were in the back of the car whinning for fast food, it didn't happen. Just because a child wants something doesn't mean they get it!!! My Dad said it best when we where young. If we wanted something that he didn't want us to have he would say "People in Hell want ice water. Ya can't have everything you want." Done. That would shut us up. Were we happy about not getting what we wanted?? No. Did he care? NO. Life ain't fair.....you cannot always get what you want.
Fast food restaurants and video games aren't making kids fat. Parents are making childhood obesity possible. If you have a child that eats junk food where is that kid getting the food from? Another sight I have yet to see is a kid at the grocery store with a cart full of crap. PARENTS are the ones buying the cookies, chips, sweets, etc. If a child doesn't exercise or play outside and sits in front of the TV all day playing video games, it's not the video game company's fault. They are YOUR kids.........raise them! It is not, and I repeat NOT the responsibility of the government to raise your children. It's bad enough that many teachers in this country have to spend have their day teaching kids "home training." Fast food restaurants are not responsible for the obesity in this country. We as people should take charge of our own lives. If you are an adult on the go, you can eat protein bars, nuts, sandwiches, etc in your car. You are not forced to go through a drive-thru place. If you have kids and they stay on the go, there are numerous snacks you can pack for children. Fast food isn't your only option.
If you wanna be a "fat bastard" or want your kids to have whatever they want then pull on up to the window and order. Don't blame outside sources for problems that are yours. If you have a kid that has a weight issue, teach them about healthy choices. Take walks with your kids.......get 'em away from the video games. Learn as a parent to use that little awful word "no." Responsibility & accountablility people. Look 'em up or Google 'em. Until you can understand that YOU, not the government nor fast food restaurants, are in charge of your life, give me my damn Happy Meal toy and shut the hell up.
:) McDonalds for lunch?? Anyone???
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
THE List
Recently, my Mom gave me a plant with little red & yellow flags in it. On each of the flags, there was a word. "Available." "Caring." "Honest." "Financially Stable." You get the idea. The point of the plant was for me to recognize "red flags" when beginning a relationship. I got a big problem with that, as do many chicks. Sooooooo......in honor of my Mom & her plant, my girls and I got together and came up with a list of things that are red flags. Quite honestly, I don't think we girls ask for too much. Most of the below involves common sense. Below is "THE List."
WARNING: Numerous cocktails were consumed while coming up with this list. I've cleaned it up as much as possible but know going in, it gets a bit racy at times. Enjoy!
THE LIST:
* No Teeth
* No Job
* Lives with his Mom
* Married
* Tells you "I'm leaving my wife for you....just give me some time."
* Only hits you up after 1am..........that is a "BOOTY CALL" If ya need a little fine, but he ain't a keeper
* Only texts or hits you up on Facebook but won't call you. That means he just isn't THAT into you
* Beer gut bigger than your boobs
* Man boobs
* Tan line on ring finger
* Lives with wife but says they are "separated."
* Wears "man jewelry" in excess.....lots of gold
* No Jorts
* Refuses to send flowers because he says "they die." WTH?? Ya drink beer and piss that away.....what's the difference??!
* No driver's license
* Wears socks with sandals
* If he calls you by a different name.........gotta go.
* Only comes to your place but won't invite you to his.
* No slobs
* Can't carry on a conversation and be social
* Doesn't have an IQ higher than your dog's
* Likes your friends
* Isn't jealous
* Can't have the same birthday
* No cops
* No drug addicts, alcoholics, steroid users
* No Strongmen
* No comb-overs
* Must have some "experience"
* No bad kissers
* No men that use more hair product than you
* No gay men (for dating) If he watches "The View" or "Oprah" he's gotta go!
* No ex-boyfriends........except for sex
* No bad shoes
* No "sweater" back hair
* No mullets or ratails
* If you're going bald....rock it! No wigs, hair plugs, etc.
* No shaving of the arms/legs. Be a dude!
* No Speedo wearers
* Manscape....google it!
* NO heavy cologne users.....shower up boys!
* No "forcing".......think about it
* No "putting that THERE" without a discussion first. Ass-play without warning is out!
WARNING: Numerous cocktails were consumed while coming up with this list. I've cleaned it up as much as possible but know going in, it gets a bit racy at times. Enjoy!
THE LIST:
* No Teeth
* No Job
* Lives with his Mom
* Married
* Tells you "I'm leaving my wife for you....just give me some time."
* Only hits you up after 1am..........that is a "BOOTY CALL" If ya need a little fine, but he ain't a keeper
* Only texts or hits you up on Facebook but won't call you. That means he just isn't THAT into you
* Beer gut bigger than your boobs
* Man boobs
* Tan line on ring finger
* Lives with wife but says they are "separated."
* Wears "man jewelry" in excess.....lots of gold
* No Jorts
* Refuses to send flowers because he says "they die." WTH?? Ya drink beer and piss that away.....what's the difference??!
* No driver's license
* Wears socks with sandals
* If he calls you by a different name.........gotta go.
* Only comes to your place but won't invite you to his.
* No slobs
* Can't carry on a conversation and be social
* Doesn't have an IQ higher than your dog's
* Likes your friends
* Isn't jealous
* Can't have the same birthday
* No cops
* No drug addicts, alcoholics, steroid users
* No Strongmen
* No comb-overs
* Must have some "experience"
* No bad kissers
* No men that use more hair product than you
* No gay men (for dating) If he watches "The View" or "Oprah" he's gotta go!
* No ex-boyfriends........except for sex
* No bad shoes
* No "sweater" back hair
* No mullets or ratails
* If you're going bald....rock it! No wigs, hair plugs, etc.
* No shaving of the arms/legs. Be a dude!
* No Speedo wearers
* Manscape....google it!
* NO heavy cologne users.....shower up boys!
* No "forcing".......think about it
* No "putting that THERE" without a discussion first. Ass-play without warning is out!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
SUCKER
Trust: 1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one
b. One in which confidence is placed
Sucker. Yep, I'm one. Total sucker. I think we're all all "suckers" for something. Cute animals, chocolate, shiny toys and gifts, wrong men or women. Oh yeah........we've all been sucked in by something or someone.
Trust is a big part of gettin' sucked in. It's funny how we trust or don't trust people and things. Everyone is different, of course. I am not the kinda person that trusts strangers. As a general rule, I'm suspicious of people I do not know. I seem to have NO problem though giving my trust to those that have hurt me before. Doesn't make a ton of sense, I know. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bit nuts!
The past few years I've trusted and believed in men that have hurt me previously. Now, one would think that I'd be a bit skeptical of these men since I've freakin' cried my eyes out over 'em. I've eaten Ben & Jerry's, drank beer, eaten cookie dough, lost weight, not eaten, over-ate, worked out, become lazy, complained to my girlfriends, etc. All the usual chick things. And yet, when these dudes come back to me, appologizing for their wrongdoings, I have taken them back and placed my trust in them AGAIN. Am I insane??!! I believe the "I love you's", the "I will never hurt you again's" , the "your the perfect woman for me's", the "your my best friend's"..........you get what I mean. I buy into the BS. I actually believe what comes outta their mouths. I am clueless.......I get sucked in each time.
I understand that communication between men & women is a major issue in relationships. We think quite differently. I just don't get why people don't say what they mean and mean what they say. If you're confused, say it. If you're unhappy, say it. If you don't know what the hell your doing, say it!!!!
Once these relationships end I am shocked and devestated. I get so sucked into the "happy, happy, joy, joy" scenerio that I miss the most important thing. That TRUST NEEDS TO BE EARNED!!! Why do I continue to just give it away?? Why do I believe the things that are said to me? I am relatively bright. I'm an outspoken, strong female. I just seem to date & marry the wrong guys and trust the wrong people. Maybe that is my problem. I'm never into the "right" guys.......you know, the guys your parents like. I have always liked a guy that is smart, witty, good looking, sweet, funny, kind, and a bit of a bad ass. I like guys that are confident, social, talkative, into music and pop culture. As I write this, all the above seems ok. Sounds like a killer guy to me! Yet the dudes I end up with are not just all of the above.........they also come with drama and baggage. Yes, we ALL have some baggage. I just seem to be attracted to the guys that have the BIG SET OF SAMSONITE BAGGAGE!!! No carry-ons for me! Drama & mayhem central right here. I grew up with lots of drama and mayhem, so I'm used to it. Obviously, that's part of my problem. I'm workin' on that.
So again I'm back to why and how I continuously get sucked in. I SHOULD know better by now! Do I just attrack crazies? Doest it say "I'm a sucker" on my forehead? Am I just self-destructive? OR am I just a regular chick that's been played? I used to think that everyone deserves a second chance. I've handed a few second chances out and they've bitten me in the ass! Now I'm not sure what the hell I believe.
I do know this: If you've hurt me before, if you've taken advantage of our friendship, or just filled my head with lies and BS, I won't be sucked in again. I haven't yet mastered the whole "earn my trust" thing, but I have become quite good at the "screw you, I'm a tiny bitter woman" thing. Lionel Richie says "Your once, twice, three times a lady." I say "once, twice, three times I'm pissed." :) Trust that suckers!! :)
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one
b. One in which confidence is placed
Sucker. Yep, I'm one. Total sucker. I think we're all all "suckers" for something. Cute animals, chocolate, shiny toys and gifts, wrong men or women. Oh yeah........we've all been sucked in by something or someone.
Trust is a big part of gettin' sucked in. It's funny how we trust or don't trust people and things. Everyone is different, of course. I am not the kinda person that trusts strangers. As a general rule, I'm suspicious of people I do not know. I seem to have NO problem though giving my trust to those that have hurt me before. Doesn't make a ton of sense, I know. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bit nuts!
The past few years I've trusted and believed in men that have hurt me previously. Now, one would think that I'd be a bit skeptical of these men since I've freakin' cried my eyes out over 'em. I've eaten Ben & Jerry's, drank beer, eaten cookie dough, lost weight, not eaten, over-ate, worked out, become lazy, complained to my girlfriends, etc. All the usual chick things. And yet, when these dudes come back to me, appologizing for their wrongdoings, I have taken them back and placed my trust in them AGAIN. Am I insane??!! I believe the "I love you's", the "I will never hurt you again's" , the "your the perfect woman for me's", the "your my best friend's"..........you get what I mean. I buy into the BS. I actually believe what comes outta their mouths. I am clueless.......I get sucked in each time.
I understand that communication between men & women is a major issue in relationships. We think quite differently. I just don't get why people don't say what they mean and mean what they say. If you're confused, say it. If you're unhappy, say it. If you don't know what the hell your doing, say it!!!!
Once these relationships end I am shocked and devestated. I get so sucked into the "happy, happy, joy, joy" scenerio that I miss the most important thing. That TRUST NEEDS TO BE EARNED!!! Why do I continue to just give it away?? Why do I believe the things that are said to me? I am relatively bright. I'm an outspoken, strong female. I just seem to date & marry the wrong guys and trust the wrong people. Maybe that is my problem. I'm never into the "right" guys.......you know, the guys your parents like. I have always liked a guy that is smart, witty, good looking, sweet, funny, kind, and a bit of a bad ass. I like guys that are confident, social, talkative, into music and pop culture. As I write this, all the above seems ok. Sounds like a killer guy to me! Yet the dudes I end up with are not just all of the above.........they also come with drama and baggage. Yes, we ALL have some baggage. I just seem to be attracted to the guys that have the BIG SET OF SAMSONITE BAGGAGE!!! No carry-ons for me! Drama & mayhem central right here. I grew up with lots of drama and mayhem, so I'm used to it. Obviously, that's part of my problem. I'm workin' on that.
So again I'm back to why and how I continuously get sucked in. I SHOULD know better by now! Do I just attrack crazies? Doest it say "I'm a sucker" on my forehead? Am I just self-destructive? OR am I just a regular chick that's been played? I used to think that everyone deserves a second chance. I've handed a few second chances out and they've bitten me in the ass! Now I'm not sure what the hell I believe.
I do know this: If you've hurt me before, if you've taken advantage of our friendship, or just filled my head with lies and BS, I won't be sucked in again. I haven't yet mastered the whole "earn my trust" thing, but I have become quite good at the "screw you, I'm a tiny bitter woman" thing. Lionel Richie says "Your once, twice, three times a lady." I say "once, twice, three times I'm pissed." :) Trust that suckers!! :)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Glad I'm Gifted!
It's been 18 months. 18 months........STILL not divorced. The soon-to-be-EX (hopefully) and I have no children. There are no monies in dispute. I mean, he left me basically bankrupt and now has to pay me some $$ for a few months since he was found in contempt of court, but there isn't a large sum of loot to be had from either one of us. WTH is the holdup???
Why would you be a serial cheater and want to drag out a divorce? He's Tiger Woods without the cash. It doesn't make sense. If you're gonna be a scumbag then man up and stand proud! Do your thing and move the hell on. I have no doubt it's an ego thing with "CJ"......lord knows his ego is bigger than any of his body parts. Is he just pissed 'cause I'm the only woman to leave his punk ass? Did his current girlfriend realize the type of person he is and give him the boot? Is he just so bored he has nothing else to do? Who the hell knows?! It's amazing that a big man like him can be such a child. He can lift a car but can't pick up his pride? Since he knows I'm annoyed I am sure he'll drag it out as long as possible. Sadly for him, my anger gives me strength so I can continue to rock on as long as I need to. It just sucks. It really shouldn't have to be this way. Come on! Dude.........to quote Wayne's World......"Live in the NOW!"
Never shall I marry again, so it's not like I want a divorce to move on in another relationship. I just want it done so I can move on with my life. Freakin' marriage is a three-ring circus: engagment ring, wedding ring, and suffering. I'm stuck in the third damn circle and can't get out! I had to hock the other two to pay bills he left me with. I'm gonna need a candy apple or some cotton candy to make it through this circle, I can tell ya that!
As one of my favorite tee-shirts states: "Anger Is A Gift." Glad I'm freakin' gifted!
:)
Why would you be a serial cheater and want to drag out a divorce? He's Tiger Woods without the cash. It doesn't make sense. If you're gonna be a scumbag then man up and stand proud! Do your thing and move the hell on. I have no doubt it's an ego thing with "CJ"......lord knows his ego is bigger than any of his body parts. Is he just pissed 'cause I'm the only woman to leave his punk ass? Did his current girlfriend realize the type of person he is and give him the boot? Is he just so bored he has nothing else to do? Who the hell knows?! It's amazing that a big man like him can be such a child. He can lift a car but can't pick up his pride? Since he knows I'm annoyed I am sure he'll drag it out as long as possible. Sadly for him, my anger gives me strength so I can continue to rock on as long as I need to. It just sucks. It really shouldn't have to be this way. Come on! Dude.........to quote Wayne's World......"Live in the NOW!"
Never shall I marry again, so it's not like I want a divorce to move on in another relationship. I just want it done so I can move on with my life. Freakin' marriage is a three-ring circus: engagment ring, wedding ring, and suffering. I'm stuck in the third damn circle and can't get out! I had to hock the other two to pay bills he left me with. I'm gonna need a candy apple or some cotton candy to make it through this circle, I can tell ya that!
As one of my favorite tee-shirts states: "Anger Is A Gift." Glad I'm freakin' gifted!
:)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Will 40 Be Freakin' Fabulous???????
It's been quite some time since I've been "BitterMel." For the past few months I've been "Bummed Out Mel." I began to get a bit depressed just before the holidays. Of course, lots of folks get a bit down around the holidays, that's normal. Maybe I got down because I was sick with sinus issues from November through December. I spent Thanksgiving alone & Christmas solo. I went out a little and attended a few holiday functions with friends, which I enjoyed. I'm lucky to have so many buddies around. Still, I felt down in the dumps.
My mood was beyond "holiday blues." Before the blues could move along, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Not sure "celebrated" is the right word, but I turned 40 nonetheless. My birthday is January 12th. "CJ'", my soon to be EX husband, turned 41 on January 13. Our wedding anniversary would have been January 14. I really didn't think that any of these dates effected me. I was wrong. I think they all did to a degree.
I know lots of people freak over "big birthdays." I've never been that way. Turning 40 didn't seem like such a monster deal to me. I mean, I'm not an uptight 40 year old. None of my friends are really. Hell, just weeks before my "Big 40" I went out with a 23 year old! I didn't feel old, that wasn't the problem. I just felt lost, bummed out, and confused.
The day before my birthday I had a huge crying fit. It lasted for about two hours. Those that know me well know that I'm not a big crier. I just don't do it much. Not that there is anything wrong with crying, it's just not something I do often. I get through tough events by acting like a hard-ass, by using humor, and by talking to friends. I'm always scared if I breakdown and cry I won't be able to stop. I get scared that crying will take away my ability to stay strong. Man.....was I WRONG!! Crying was EXACTLY what I needed to do! I felt so much better after letting it all out. I need to cry more! I talk lots and am very vocal about problems but I tend to bottle up my grief. It's probably why I'm sick so much. I internalize my grief and don't let it out.
It was around this time that I began to read a book my friend gave me months ago. The book is called "Rebuilding; When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. By reading this book I realized that my "bummed" out mood is normal for people who have been separated for about a year. Made me feel good 'cause I thought I was losin' it and finally going nuts! Apparently lots of people go through a depression around a year after breaking up with someone they've been with for a long time. I had been through so much in the past year; found out the hubby was a constant cheater, moved, lost my job, got my job back, fell in love again with an "old" flame, got my heart broken, moved again, and turned 40. I had a reason to be just a bit bummed out!!!!! During the "year of hell", as I call 2009, I didn't once stop to grieve. There was no breakdown, no freak-out, no screaming fit. That's just not me. I just kept my ass truckin' and tried to get through each day.
Hell, I NEEDED to freak-out!!!!! I not only lost a husband, the person I thought was my best friend, I also lost a family, children, a house, my financial stability, my financial security and credit standing, my pride, and what I thought was to be my future. After going through the motions the past year, I was left wondering why I wasn't further along in life at the age of 40. I worried about ending up alone. I lost alot in the span of a year. I SHOULD have had a breakdown.......it was well deserved! I didn't. I survived on anger & bitterness.
Don't misunderstand me. "CJ", the EX, is the KING of all jackasses! I have no doubt I'll one day see him on a talk show or the show "Snapped." At some point in his life, one of the women he's screwed over will just lose it. It just won't be me. I've learned this year that he just isn't worth it.
I will always have anger towards "CJ", he owes me some serious coin! After going through all I have this past year, I now feel more sorry for him than anything. He is and will always be unhappy. He will never be able to look in the mirror and be ok with the person he is. He will never be lucky enough to have the support system that I have. No matter how much I dislike him, he's just a very sad soul.
As the days have passed since my 40th birthday, I am trying really hard to grasp my life differently. When I was married to "CJ" I lived my life for him. My life was wrapped around what HE wanted........always. After the marriage disolved I was left wondering who the hell I was. I'm STILL trying to figure it out. My friends encouraged me to make a "40 Things I Want To Do While 40" list. Some of the stuff on the list may never happen.......like me going to Law School. Other things on the list are a bit more in my reach like going roller skating and learning how to knit. The point is, I made the list FOR ME! Will I accomplish everything on the list.......who knows? I'm gonna give it a shot though. I am going to do what I can and what I want to do no matter who likes it. I mean, I'm 40!!!!! It's about damn time to step up and do whatever the hell I want, right??! At the end of the day, I'll just be happy with doing more for myself and not feeling guilty about it.
My mood was beyond "holiday blues." Before the blues could move along, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Not sure "celebrated" is the right word, but I turned 40 nonetheless. My birthday is January 12th. "CJ'", my soon to be EX husband, turned 41 on January 13. Our wedding anniversary would have been January 14. I really didn't think that any of these dates effected me. I was wrong. I think they all did to a degree.
I know lots of people freak over "big birthdays." I've never been that way. Turning 40 didn't seem like such a monster deal to me. I mean, I'm not an uptight 40 year old. None of my friends are really. Hell, just weeks before my "Big 40" I went out with a 23 year old! I didn't feel old, that wasn't the problem. I just felt lost, bummed out, and confused.
The day before my birthday I had a huge crying fit. It lasted for about two hours. Those that know me well know that I'm not a big crier. I just don't do it much. Not that there is anything wrong with crying, it's just not something I do often. I get through tough events by acting like a hard-ass, by using humor, and by talking to friends. I'm always scared if I breakdown and cry I won't be able to stop. I get scared that crying will take away my ability to stay strong. Man.....was I WRONG!! Crying was EXACTLY what I needed to do! I felt so much better after letting it all out. I need to cry more! I talk lots and am very vocal about problems but I tend to bottle up my grief. It's probably why I'm sick so much. I internalize my grief and don't let it out.
It was around this time that I began to read a book my friend gave me months ago. The book is called "Rebuilding; When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. By reading this book I realized that my "bummed" out mood is normal for people who have been separated for about a year. Made me feel good 'cause I thought I was losin' it and finally going nuts! Apparently lots of people go through a depression around a year after breaking up with someone they've been with for a long time. I had been through so much in the past year; found out the hubby was a constant cheater, moved, lost my job, got my job back, fell in love again with an "old" flame, got my heart broken, moved again, and turned 40. I had a reason to be just a bit bummed out!!!!! During the "year of hell", as I call 2009, I didn't once stop to grieve. There was no breakdown, no freak-out, no screaming fit. That's just not me. I just kept my ass truckin' and tried to get through each day.
Hell, I NEEDED to freak-out!!!!! I not only lost a husband, the person I thought was my best friend, I also lost a family, children, a house, my financial stability, my financial security and credit standing, my pride, and what I thought was to be my future. After going through the motions the past year, I was left wondering why I wasn't further along in life at the age of 40. I worried about ending up alone. I lost alot in the span of a year. I SHOULD have had a breakdown.......it was well deserved! I didn't. I survived on anger & bitterness.
Don't misunderstand me. "CJ", the EX, is the KING of all jackasses! I have no doubt I'll one day see him on a talk show or the show "Snapped." At some point in his life, one of the women he's screwed over will just lose it. It just won't be me. I've learned this year that he just isn't worth it.
I will always have anger towards "CJ", he owes me some serious coin! After going through all I have this past year, I now feel more sorry for him than anything. He is and will always be unhappy. He will never be able to look in the mirror and be ok with the person he is. He will never be lucky enough to have the support system that I have. No matter how much I dislike him, he's just a very sad soul.
As the days have passed since my 40th birthday, I am trying really hard to grasp my life differently. When I was married to "CJ" I lived my life for him. My life was wrapped around what HE wanted........always. After the marriage disolved I was left wondering who the hell I was. I'm STILL trying to figure it out. My friends encouraged me to make a "40 Things I Want To Do While 40" list. Some of the stuff on the list may never happen.......like me going to Law School. Other things on the list are a bit more in my reach like going roller skating and learning how to knit. The point is, I made the list FOR ME! Will I accomplish everything on the list.......who knows? I'm gonna give it a shot though. I am going to do what I can and what I want to do no matter who likes it. I mean, I'm 40!!!!! It's about damn time to step up and do whatever the hell I want, right??! At the end of the day, I'll just be happy with doing more for myself and not feeling guilty about it.
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