Bitter Girl gets a Boo Boo

In the past year I've met & dated some amazing guys. Two of these guys wanted to shower me with love and treat me like a princess.  I loved both these men in different ways but let fear of the future and a crush on another man screw up both relationships. I hurt both the men I dated because I "had feelings" for another guy that I'm "friends" with.  I am an idiot.  Clear and simple.  An idiot.  

When I dated "D" I had a HUGE crush on my "friend". I couldn't continue our relationship because I thought the "friend" and I had a shot.  Then I dated "K" and REALLY thought I was ready for a relationship.  We were moving forward and BOOM!   Fear kicked in.  I also still had some unresolved feelings for my "friend".  I hurt the feelings of "K" and "D" because of my fear and my unresolved feelings for my "friend".  The "friend" & I eventually hooked up, making my feelings stronger for him.  I thought he actually liked me.  I now realize I was stupid.  I know, I know......we all make mistakes.   I think one of the reasons I dug the "friend" so much was because he reminded me of my EX.   YEP.  The "jackass" EX.  

I KNOW now that I'm obviously not ready for a fabulous man.  I've had two & let them slip away.  Not sure the feelings for my "friend" are as strong as I think.  There's the possibility I'm holding onto that so I don't have to commit.  Guess all this means I'm not ready.  Can't lie though.....when I found my "friend" started dating another girl I felt my heart hurt.  My face got red & I felt like I'd been slapped.  

Well....look at that..."BitterMel" has a soft spot   The "Bitter" girl has a boo boo & feels like a fool.   Karmas a bitch. I asked for this one.  Still sucks though. 

Bitter "Bitch" in a Boys World.

This past week was THE worst week I've ever had while in radio. It's the first time I've ever thought that I may be in the wrong business. I recognize my feelings but am also aware that I'm not in total control of my emotions. One of the guys I work with called me a "pouty, whiny bitch" this week. His words left a mark & stung badly. Unfortunately, he's right. When he said that to me I couldn't argue. I'm sure it's one of the only times in my life I didn't have a snippy comeback. I am sadly not in control of my body right now. It's not an excuse to be a bitch, I just can't control how I react. And it sucks. For the past 6 months I've been struggling with my hormones. Trying to battle your body blows. I don't sleep well, I'm constantly tired and often quite sensitive. This is NOT how I usually am. Working with all guys gets old sometimes as I am constantly picked on. This isn't new...it's part of being a "radio rock chick." Normally I can handle the jabs thrown at me & block em or take the hit like a pro. That hasn't been the case lately. I'm reacting to things said, even in jest. I actually cried at work this week. Yes. I cried. And I'm WELL aware there's no crying for a chick. I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can't win. It's a feeling that isn't festive. It's not easy being a woman in radio. It's a complete "boys club" but I've always managed to do ok. I don't feel that way now. I feel like I'm sinking. According to my doctor, the reason for my emotional freak-outs is menopause. Yep. I'm in the early stages and it is a nightmare. The doc says a hysterectomy will fix the physical & emotional issues. Great. A major surgery which means time off work. It's awful that I think that way. Work shouldn't be my focus...my health should be my concern but I know the time I'll have to take off work will hurt me professionally. Never fun to wonder if you'll still have a gig after missing a few weeks. That said I know if I don't do it, I'll end up getting fired. My attitude isn't great right now. I KNOW I'm too sensitive. I KNOW I'm too bitchy. I KNOW I take things too personally. And I KNOW I can't change my hormones. It's a scary situation. I recognize when I over-react or say something overtly snippy. Im just not in control. I've dealt with a situation similar to this before. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. It's a thyroid disease. I was sick for years before doctors figured out the problem. So sick that when they finally diagnosed me, I had to have radiation immediately. Apparently I was lucky it didn't kill me. Before the doctors figured out my problem, I dealt with many similar symptoms that I'm dealing with now: emotional outbursts, unexplained anger, sleepless nights, being hot one minute & freezing the next, feeling insecure......totally sucks. Especially when you KNOW you are over-reacting to something but can control your feelings. How do you try and explain this to guys you work with? They don't get it. They think it's an excuse. Being told you cannot have a child and that part of your body needs to be shut down is hard to comprehend but the situation is harder when you can't seem to stop how you act/react on a day to day basis. It's especially rough when the guys you work with think of you as a "guy w/boobs". It's not in my nature to act "girly". I've always been a tough, strong, in control female. Very difficult to WANT to act a certain way but your body ain't listening. It's confusing. Not just for me but for everyone around me. I get it, I just can't CHANGE it. I'm all about embracing my bitterness but the bitchiness needs to bolt. Fingers crossed my smart, radio savvy bitter babe part will defeat the silly, whiny, crying bitchy babe I've seemed to have turned into this week.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"......bummer

"To Thine Own Self Be True". A quote from Shakespeare that I have tattooed on my arm. Words to live by. Sadly, being "true" to yourself sometimes hurts others. A few months ago I met an amazing man. Sweet, kind, smart, interesting, and attractive man. Treats me like a princess & wants to spend time with me. We dated & developed sting feelings for each other. Everything seemed perfect til we discussed moving in together. I truly thought I was ready to settle down. Unfortunately I was wrong. As moving in together became real (looking at houses, talking finances) I freaked. I felt trapped & very anxious. I began to recognize that I'm not ready to share my life with ANYONE. I am beyond lucky to have this man in my life, but the thought of settling down makes me feel like I can't breathe. This of course means either he's not "the one" OR I'm just not over my last ruckus of a marriage. Don't misunderstand me: I am all about closing the door to the past but I'm not ready to fully close that door, lock it, & toss away the key. When I split from my EX husband I had to deal with a lot of crap. Cheating, lying, losing my job 10 days after leaving the EX, bankruptcy , divorce proceedings, ect. It's been tough just surviving & not having a freakin breakdown. I never stopped to cry & mourn the loss I felt. Although I'm stronger emotionally than I ever thought I'd be, I still have feelings that I need to deal with. Until I deal with those feelings, I can't share my life totally with anyone else. I don't know if it'll take a year, 10 years or longer. At the end of the day, it'll take as long as it takes. AND...that's ok. Being true to myself is important but being honest with others is more important. Part of me HATES the way I feel. I liked being married. I like the idea of having a partner The other part of me realizes that I shouldn't apologize for how I feel. Being honest with myself & going with my gut may hurt someone else but I have to do what feels right for me. "To Thine Own Self Be True". Definitely words to live by. The buzz kill is hurting someone else's feelings. Bummer for sure.

Banking on "Bitter"......

"Bank on Bitter". That's my new motto. The last few months have been interesting. I'm trying to figure out exactly who I am. All parts of me: the radio chick, the friend, the chick that likes sex & will admit it, the grown up, the divorced chick, the bankrupt bitch, etc. It's interesting to look at all parts of who you are. Scary but interesting. Through my self discovery, I've decided that the "Bitter Bitch" is not only a role I play well on the radio, but part of my personality. The part that I think may make me some loot. I realized this past weekend that I am not fully over my last divorce. It's been five years & I still feel a lot of pain. Weird. I'm a balls out chick. I thought I'd be totally over it by now. I'm not though and that's ok. It'll take however long it takes Over the weekend I faced a very disturbing truth about my last marriage: I was mentally abused. Lots. I admitted that to someone over the weekend. Out loud. I've NEVER done that. I guess because I'm a strong, hard core chick I never wanted to face that part of my life. It makes me feel weak. Maybe I didn't acknowledge it because I had so much other crap to deal with. I felt like a failure because my 2nd marriage didn't work. I was trying to process the EX's constant cheating & lying AND deal with bankruptcy. Oh...and I lost my job two weeks after I left his punk ass. The mental damage was pushed WAY back in my skull. I just couldn't handle dealing with that along with all the other BS I had to deal with. So......here I am, five years later, recognizing and admitting something I never though possible. I was married to a mean dude. The damage he did to me mentally I'm still dealing with. Hell, it could be something I deal with for five more years or forever. As I process my emotions & work through some mental crap, I might as well try and profit from it. If I'm gonna be a "Bitter Bitch" I might as well try and cash in on it. I KNOW what I dealt with is totally minor compared to what some people deal with. I realize how lucky I am. But since I DO have a twisted since of humor I might as well try and bank on my bitterness. Making money wouldn't suck and helping others with what I've learned would be killer! Hence my new motto & philosophy: Bank on the Bitter baby! Ya gotta go with your strengths, right? :)

Bitter Mel Beyond Repair?

At the present time, I have 4 girlfriends getting divorced. Not just chicks I know or work with but really close friends. I have 2 other girlfriends who have husbands that have cheated on them but have decided to stick out the marriage & work on things. It makes me so very sad to see my friends go through such pain. Unfortunately, I know their pain all too well. That's one of the reasons my friends confide in me. They KNOW I get it. The sadness, pain, anger, frustration, confusion...the list of emotions is never ending. People often say time heals all wounds. Not buying it. Some wounds are too deep to heal and your left with a scar. Some nastier than others.

I remain loyal & positive to my friends going through divorce but I'm also honest. Blowing sunshine up someone's ass isn't helpful. It's been 4 years since I split from "Captain Jackass" & I'm still not over it. I don't think I realized that until recently. Two weeks ago I was invited to a Strongman competition. I KNEW if I went I'd run into some people that are still friendly with my ex. The possibility made me nauseous. I went to the event, saw guys competing and almost hurled. There was no way I was getting out of the car. I just couldn't. The thought literally made me queasy. Wasn't happening.

Last weekend my Dad competed in a powerlifting meet. At the age of 70, quite the feat! He trained hard.....driving 2 hours to Columbia,SC. My Dad trained with some friends of the ex. When I went to the powerlifting meet, I KNEW I'd see a few guys that used to hang with my ex. I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I saw the ex's buds. A sadness came over me that was kinda disturbing. I had flashbacks of "good times" with the ex and I wasn't prepared for that. Odd how 4 years later I'm still affected by such trivial things. I mean, it wasn't like any of the guys were rude. Everyone was quite friendly. I just wasn't expecting the feelings that came over me.

It was THEN that I got it: I'm not completely over my divorce. I'm not completely over the psycho I was married to. Do I still love him? Noooooooo. Would I ever want to see him again? Noooooooo. Will I be forever scarred by what I went through? Yep.

Don't misunderstand me. My life has & will continue. I'm sure one day I'll find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Now I just realize AND can accept that I've changed as a person. I'm not sure I'll ever truly trust someone again. I'm also pretty certain that I'll never marry again. Sad? Maybe but I'm honest.

It's THIS honesty that I give to my friends going through turmoil. You CAN survive & become a stronger person. You CAN go through years of crap & still not get over someone. But life rolls on. The pain DOES subside as time goes on. Eventually you stop crying, take hold of the anger, then recognize that you can use what you went through to help others. Ya don't get over it completely. Ever. Some woulds leave a mark that lasts a lifetime. BUT, as with all scars, time does help it fade. Some wounds aren't meant to heal. The scar reminds us of our past mistakes. And that's OK. The trick is using those wounds/scars to your advantage.

Bitter Mel Beyond Repair? I'm gonna say no. I don't wanna be the same person. I like to think I'm smarter and stronger.

Bitter, Badass, & BEYOND lucky.

Wow. What a year 2011 was. I finally found the balls to file for bankruptcy & try and close the "Captain Jackass" chapter of my life. It's crazy how long it takes to get over a bad divorce. There's the emotional stuff, which is beyond hard. The physical stuff, which is learning to live alone & be OK with it. Then there's the financial stuff, which lasts for years. In my opinion, the financial stuff has been the hardest to deal with. I'm beyond broke BUT I've now learned to accept it. Starting over is sometimes the best thing. I'm slowly starting to accept that.

I hate to be TOO optimistic, but 2012 has started off fabulous!

Job wise, I had to make a hard decision. It's odd in radio. If you're a chick in rock with an attitude you have to fight harder to be recognized for your talents. Especially if you're a chick with multiple talents. I love radio like no other profession. Sometimes this love makes me stupid. I have a tendency to be loyal to the detriment of myself. I realized that this year. I was given the opportunity to work with Woody & Wilcox on 106.5 The End. Both the guys are amazing talents & are too funny!! I struggled with making the switch. I was with 99.7 The Fox for 6 years & always wanted to be the rock queen of that station. It took some soul searching but I realized I wasn't truly being appreciated for my work & talent. As scary as it was, and it was VERY scary, I left The Fox to work with Woody & Wilcox. Change scares me and I was beyond nervous. I made the decision to join Woody & Wilcox and it was the BEST decision I've made for myself in years. I truly can't imagine my life without these guys now. Professionally, I'm happier than I've been in years!

This new found job happiness is paying off too! Because of my job, I was able to go on The Monsters of Rock Cruise recently. A huge cruise ship with 30 80's rock bands. A DREAM come true for me!!! I can't explain how insane it was to see rock stars that you worshipped 25 years ago walking around a cruise ship taking pictures with people. These were guys I had posters of growing up! Here I am, on a boat, talking & taking pictures with these guys. It was truly one of the most amazing experiences ever! I'm honored I was able to take part in such event. I think I'm still a bit star struck from the event! The BEST thing is that the promoter of the cruise wants me to come back next year. WHAT?! Sweeeeet!! Whose life is this??

Although my bitterness continues, I haven't found a man that can handle me yet, I must admit that giddiness is at an all time high. I work with some amazing, talented dudes, I have some of THE most kick ass friends, my family is constantly there for me, & I have two crazy loving doggies. The last few years have sucked. Truly. I'm optimistic that 2012 will rock! I find myself saying "Hell Yeah" way more than "What the hell" now. It's off to a good start AND IRON MAIDEN is coming to Chatlotte this Summer. That's GOTTA be a sign of good things to come, right?!

;) rock on!!