Bitter "Bitch" in a Boys World.

This past week was THE worst week I've ever had while in radio. It's the first time I've ever thought that I may be in the wrong business. I recognize my feelings but am also aware that I'm not in total control of my emotions. One of the guys I work with called me a "pouty, whiny bitch" this week. His words left a mark & stung badly. Unfortunately, he's right. When he said that to me I couldn't argue. I'm sure it's one of the only times in my life I didn't have a snippy comeback. I am sadly not in control of my body right now. It's not an excuse to be a bitch, I just can't control how I react. And it sucks. For the past 6 months I've been struggling with my hormones. Trying to battle your body blows. I don't sleep well, I'm constantly tired and often quite sensitive. This is NOT how I usually am. Working with all guys gets old sometimes as I am constantly picked on. This isn't new...it's part of being a "radio rock chick." Normally I can handle the jabs thrown at me & block em or take the hit like a pro. That hasn't been the case lately. I'm reacting to things said, even in jest. I actually cried at work this week. Yes. I cried. And I'm WELL aware there's no crying for a chick. I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can't win. It's a feeling that isn't festive. It's not easy being a woman in radio. It's a complete "boys club" but I've always managed to do ok. I don't feel that way now. I feel like I'm sinking. According to my doctor, the reason for my emotional freak-outs is menopause. Yep. I'm in the early stages and it is a nightmare. The doc says a hysterectomy will fix the physical & emotional issues. Great. A major surgery which means time off work. It's awful that I think that way. Work shouldn't be my focus...my health should be my concern but I know the time I'll have to take off work will hurt me professionally. Never fun to wonder if you'll still have a gig after missing a few weeks. That said I know if I don't do it, I'll end up getting fired. My attitude isn't great right now. I KNOW I'm too sensitive. I KNOW I'm too bitchy. I KNOW I take things too personally. And I KNOW I can't change my hormones. It's a scary situation. I recognize when I over-react or say something overtly snippy. Im just not in control. I've dealt with a situation similar to this before. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. It's a thyroid disease. I was sick for years before doctors figured out the problem. So sick that when they finally diagnosed me, I had to have radiation immediately. Apparently I was lucky it didn't kill me. Before the doctors figured out my problem, I dealt with many similar symptoms that I'm dealing with now: emotional outbursts, unexplained anger, sleepless nights, being hot one minute & freezing the next, feeling insecure......totally sucks. Especially when you KNOW you are over-reacting to something but can control your feelings. How do you try and explain this to guys you work with? They don't get it. They think it's an excuse. Being told you cannot have a child and that part of your body needs to be shut down is hard to comprehend but the situation is harder when you can't seem to stop how you act/react on a day to day basis. It's especially rough when the guys you work with think of you as a "guy w/boobs". It's not in my nature to act "girly". I've always been a tough, strong, in control female. Very difficult to WANT to act a certain way but your body ain't listening. It's confusing. Not just for me but for everyone around me. I get it, I just can't CHANGE it. I'm all about embracing my bitterness but the bitchiness needs to bolt. Fingers crossed my smart, radio savvy bitter babe part will defeat the silly, whiny, crying bitchy babe I've seemed to have turned into this week.