Bitter "Bitch" in a Boys World.

This past week was THE worst week I've ever had while in radio. It's the first time I've ever thought that I may be in the wrong business. I recognize my feelings but am also aware that I'm not in total control of my emotions. One of the guys I work with called me a "pouty, whiny bitch" this week. His words left a mark & stung badly. Unfortunately, he's right. When he said that to me I couldn't argue. I'm sure it's one of the only times in my life I didn't have a snippy comeback. I am sadly not in control of my body right now. It's not an excuse to be a bitch, I just can't control how I react. And it sucks. For the past 6 months I've been struggling with my hormones. Trying to battle your body blows. I don't sleep well, I'm constantly tired and often quite sensitive. This is NOT how I usually am. Working with all guys gets old sometimes as I am constantly picked on. This isn't new...it's part of being a "radio rock chick." Normally I can handle the jabs thrown at me & block em or take the hit like a pro. That hasn't been the case lately. I'm reacting to things said, even in jest. I actually cried at work this week. Yes. I cried. And I'm WELL aware there's no crying for a chick. I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can't win. It's a feeling that isn't festive. It's not easy being a woman in radio. It's a complete "boys club" but I've always managed to do ok. I don't feel that way now. I feel like I'm sinking. According to my doctor, the reason for my emotional freak-outs is menopause. Yep. I'm in the early stages and it is a nightmare. The doc says a hysterectomy will fix the physical & emotional issues. Great. A major surgery which means time off work. It's awful that I think that way. Work shouldn't be my focus...my health should be my concern but I know the time I'll have to take off work will hurt me professionally. Never fun to wonder if you'll still have a gig after missing a few weeks. That said I know if I don't do it, I'll end up getting fired. My attitude isn't great right now. I KNOW I'm too sensitive. I KNOW I'm too bitchy. I KNOW I take things too personally. And I KNOW I can't change my hormones. It's a scary situation. I recognize when I over-react or say something overtly snippy. Im just not in control. I've dealt with a situation similar to this before. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. It's a thyroid disease. I was sick for years before doctors figured out the problem. So sick that when they finally diagnosed me, I had to have radiation immediately. Apparently I was lucky it didn't kill me. Before the doctors figured out my problem, I dealt with many similar symptoms that I'm dealing with now: emotional outbursts, unexplained anger, sleepless nights, being hot one minute & freezing the next, feeling insecure......totally sucks. Especially when you KNOW you are over-reacting to something but can control your feelings. How do you try and explain this to guys you work with? They don't get it. They think it's an excuse. Being told you cannot have a child and that part of your body needs to be shut down is hard to comprehend but the situation is harder when you can't seem to stop how you act/react on a day to day basis. It's especially rough when the guys you work with think of you as a "guy w/boobs". It's not in my nature to act "girly". I've always been a tough, strong, in control female. Very difficult to WANT to act a certain way but your body ain't listening. It's confusing. Not just for me but for everyone around me. I get it, I just can't CHANGE it. I'm all about embracing my bitterness but the bitchiness needs to bolt. Fingers crossed my smart, radio savvy bitter babe part will defeat the silly, whiny, crying bitchy babe I've seemed to have turned into this week.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"......bummer

"To Thine Own Self Be True". A quote from Shakespeare that I have tattooed on my arm. Words to live by. Sadly, being "true" to yourself sometimes hurts others. A few months ago I met an amazing man. Sweet, kind, smart, interesting, and attractive man. Treats me like a princess & wants to spend time with me. We dated & developed sting feelings for each other. Everything seemed perfect til we discussed moving in together. I truly thought I was ready to settle down. Unfortunately I was wrong. As moving in together became real (looking at houses, talking finances) I freaked. I felt trapped & very anxious. I began to recognize that I'm not ready to share my life with ANYONE. I am beyond lucky to have this man in my life, but the thought of settling down makes me feel like I can't breathe. This of course means either he's not "the one" OR I'm just not over my last ruckus of a marriage. Don't misunderstand me: I am all about closing the door to the past but I'm not ready to fully close that door, lock it, & toss away the key. When I split from my EX husband I had to deal with a lot of crap. Cheating, lying, losing my job 10 days after leaving the EX, bankruptcy , divorce proceedings, ect. It's been tough just surviving & not having a freakin breakdown. I never stopped to cry & mourn the loss I felt. Although I'm stronger emotionally than I ever thought I'd be, I still have feelings that I need to deal with. Until I deal with those feelings, I can't share my life totally with anyone else. I don't know if it'll take a year, 10 years or longer. At the end of the day, it'll take as long as it takes. AND...that's ok. Being true to myself is important but being honest with others is more important. Part of me HATES the way I feel. I liked being married. I like the idea of having a partner The other part of me realizes that I shouldn't apologize for how I feel. Being honest with myself & going with my gut may hurt someone else but I have to do what feels right for me. "To Thine Own Self Be True". Definitely words to live by. The buzz kill is hurting someone else's feelings. Bummer for sure.

Banking on "Bitter"......

"Bank on Bitter". That's my new motto. The last few months have been interesting. I'm trying to figure out exactly who I am. All parts of me: the radio chick, the friend, the chick that likes sex & will admit it, the grown up, the divorced chick, the bankrupt bitch, etc. It's interesting to look at all parts of who you are. Scary but interesting. Through my self discovery, I've decided that the "Bitter Bitch" is not only a role I play well on the radio, but part of my personality. The part that I think may make me some loot. I realized this past weekend that I am not fully over my last divorce. It's been five years & I still feel a lot of pain. Weird. I'm a balls out chick. I thought I'd be totally over it by now. I'm not though and that's ok. It'll take however long it takes Over the weekend I faced a very disturbing truth about my last marriage: I was mentally abused. Lots. I admitted that to someone over the weekend. Out loud. I've NEVER done that. I guess because I'm a strong, hard core chick I never wanted to face that part of my life. It makes me feel weak. Maybe I didn't acknowledge it because I had so much other crap to deal with. I felt like a failure because my 2nd marriage didn't work. I was trying to process the EX's constant cheating & lying AND deal with bankruptcy. Oh...and I lost my job two weeks after I left his punk ass. The mental damage was pushed WAY back in my skull. I just couldn't handle dealing with that along with all the other BS I had to deal with. So......here I am, five years later, recognizing and admitting something I never though possible. I was married to a mean dude. The damage he did to me mentally I'm still dealing with. Hell, it could be something I deal with for five more years or forever. As I process my emotions & work through some mental crap, I might as well try and profit from it. If I'm gonna be a "Bitter Bitch" I might as well try and cash in on it. I KNOW what I dealt with is totally minor compared to what some people deal with. I realize how lucky I am. But since I DO have a twisted since of humor I might as well try and bank on my bitterness. Making money wouldn't suck and helping others with what I've learned would be killer! Hence my new motto & philosophy: Bank on the Bitter baby! Ya gotta go with your strengths, right? :)