Breakups, Bankruptcy, & Bitterness..........

Ahhhhhh........the "Big B's" of my life continue! I gotta stop waiting so long to "vent" & blog about my bitterness more. Lord knows there is ALWAYS something I can bitch about! :) Sooooo.......here's the latest:

I recently went through another break-up. This one is a bit different though. It wasn't a break-up with a guy but with a very close friend. Let's call this friend "Lucy." "Lucy" and I were extremely close friends for the last 11 years. We both experienced painful divorces from cheating husbands, we were females in a mostly male dominated business and shared struggles, and we both loved to laugh & have a good time. We enjoyed and cried about the ups and downs of life together and we were always there for each other. Neither one of us were perfect but we never judged each other in regard to our imperfections. Truth be told, we were quite solid, or so I thought.

Last year, "Lucy" broke the "girl code." She hit on a guy that she knew I was talking to. I had been on a few dates with this guy but that was it...........nothing serious. "Lucy" went out of her way to hit on the guy and send him some suggestive pictures. Not cool. I don't think I need to go through the "Rules of Chick Friendship." We all know this is not acceptable. "Lucy" and I chatted, I was honest with her about how I felt and I told her that her actions hurt my feelings. It wasn't about the dude but about "Lucy" breaking the trust within the friendship. She apologized, I forgave her, we moved on. THAT'S what friends do. Friends forgive.

Recently I was seeing a guy and "Lucy" did the same type of thing. "Big D" and I were friends for about a year and throughout that year, we saw each other off & on. Long story short, "Big D" decided he wanted to take our relationship to another level. I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. "Lucy" inserted herself into the situation and became "friends" with "Big D" on Facebook. She sent him a message behind my back, giving him tips on how to "deal" with me. Again......a move that is NOT COOL. "Lucy" told me what she did about a week later. I expressed my dislike of the situation and explained to her that I am a grown woman. NO need to interfere in my love life. I think her intentions were good but I am not a fan of people inserting themselves into my love life. She said she was sorry and we again moved on. Soon after this situation, "Lucy" began making inappropriate comments on "Big D's" Facebook page. Comments laced with sexual innuendo. AGAIN, I expressed my dislike for this. "Lucy" said she understood. Sadly the comments didn't stop and I told "Lucy" that i was not happy with her actions. She didn't get it. "Lucy" couldn't understand why I was upset. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't just about a guy, it was about her breaking my trust....again. No matter how I tried to tell her this, she just refused to get it. In her mind, I was being a "prude" and she didn't see the big deal. Over & over I tried to explain to "Lucy" that it was a trust issue. She couldn't or didn't want to understand. I ended our conversation before it got too heated.

Unfortunately, "Lucy" doesn't understand how important trust is between friends. She is close with another woman and neither of them seem to understand boundaries. If THEY wanna do it, if it makes THEM feel good, then they do it. Don't get me wrong, I am not an angel. I've done my fair share of shady things. I just don't do shady things to my friends. I've had many of the same close girlfriends for years & years. There is a reason for this: I respect my friends. To be a good friend you have to have trust, love, and respect. These are 3 things that every relationship needs. If they aren't there, the relationship fails.

I feel like I've lost another husband in a way. "Lucy" and I were very tight and went through so many things together. I hope one day she'll understand true friendship. "Lucy" is a wonderful person and I miss her so. I just don't think she can comprehend how badly she hurt me. Sometimes to be a good friend, you have to put your pride aside and recognize when you've done something wrong. Even if YOU don't think its wrong, if it hurts a friend then it's wrong. Accountability for bad actions is important. I'm not perfect, but if I screw up, I own it. I'll put my pride aside and admit if I am wrong. In my opinion, "Lucy" let her pride end a very close friendship. Friends that love you for YOU........faults & all are quite hard to come by. I shall miss "Lucy" and all our fun times and I wish her the best.

The next two "B's" go hand in hand. Last week I finally broke down and filed for bankruptcy. For the last three years, I tried to avoid this move. Unfortunately, after the marriage with "CJ" ended, he left me in such financial ruin that bankruptcy was my only option. I cannot truly explain how this feels. I'm pissed because my financial state isn't totally my fault. "CJ" put us in debt. Sadly, I didn't have the balls to ever say no to him, so ALL our marital debt ended up on my credit. I tried the last few years to keep up with it, but truth be told, I don't make that much money and even if I did, I don't think I could have dealt with all the debt from our marriage.

Filing for bankruptcy makes me feel a bit like a failure. All my adult life, until my marriage to "CJ", I had great credit and was a responsible person. I'm still responsible but the bankruptcy thing makes me feel a bit like a loser. I know it isn't my fault and I realize that in today's economy LOTS of folks have gone through the same thing. Still..........I feel a bit like a failure and this makes me a bit more bitter. Yes, I know. MORE bitter..........scary stuff. I know that I am doing the right thing. Hell, it doesn't really matter I guess. Officially bankrupt or not my credit score is still lower than my weight! :) I know I'll get through it but at the moment it just kinda sucks. It's making me a bit more stressed and anxious than normal. Yes, I know. Even SCARIER.

And "BitterMel" rolls on my friends! Through breakups & bankruptcy, I still hold on to the one thing that gets me through: my twisted sense of humor. Hell, it could always be worse........right? :)


Til next time,
Broke & Bitter