Bitter Big Mouth...Again

Throughout the years, way before I became "bitter", I had a big mouth.  I've had it all my life.  According to my parents I spoke very early in life and never shut up.  I spoke early & learned to boss others early.  I was the "queen" of pre-school and truth told, the bossy never left me. Nor did the big mouth.  Sometimes the big mouth gets me in trouble. Ok...lots of times.  As I get older though I'm learning to stand behind the words that spew forth from my mouth. I take ownership of the things I say...right or wrong.

I never meant to be a radio chick.  I kinda fell into it & developed a love for it.  I was one of the lucky people in radio:  I got put on a heritage morning show after only three months on the air full time.  Quite the feat for a chick with little experience.   I learned quickly that radio was and still is a "boys club."  For years I played by the rules, always underestimating my talent, and took a back seat to those I worked with.  As the years went on, I continued to try hard to be successful in the radio business & I realized that a "bitch" attitude would be my only shield in a corporation where guys rule.  Don't misunderstand me, women can be successful in radio but only if they're willing to put up with a lot of bullshit.  Either guys are hitting on you & trying to play grab ass or they pick on you relentlessly.  It's how it goes. A woman must have a truly thick skin to truly become a success in this business.   A few years ago I thought there was the real possibility that I would become a success in radio.  Now, I doubt it.  I always told myself that I'd get our of radio when it wasn't fun anymore.  I do believe that time is close.

Unfortunately for me, I get sick.  Lots.  I have had an autoimmune disease a few years back & my body just doesn't like to cooperate sometimes.  For the last week I've had a severe case of bronchitis. Total pain.  To go along with the chest pain & cough, I lost my voice.  NOT festive when you talk for a living.  I had to take three days off work much to the dismay of the guys I work with. Now don't misunderstand me, I recognize their frustration.   It's hard to work as a team when a player isn't there. Sadly, they weren't as understanding about my situation.   Taking crap from guys is what I do and I think I handle it well...on the radio & off. There is a limit though.  Not just for me as a female but as a person.  Even bitter bitches have feelings. That seemed to escape some of the guys I work with.  Not a great time when people take shots at ya when you aren't there to defend yourself.  Especially not a great time when your home with no voice, on an inhaler to breathe and on numerous drugs.

I'm not throwing anyone under the bus nor am I trying to feel sorry for myself.  It is what it is.  I over-reacted to the situation and opened my big mouth. I did what you "shouldn't do" in corporate America...I shot off an angry email.  I  didn't act properly & showed my ass to a certain degree. I admit my faults.   I'm defenitely not perfect. My big mouth may have gotten me in trouble.  Hell, As I write this I realize that my big mouth may even get me fired.  Risk I take having a big mouth.  Especially in a "boys world."  Although I regret letting my emotions take over before my brain could catch up, I don't regret how I feel.  Sometimes stepping away from your day to day life puts things in perspective.

I'm bitter with a big mouth.  I don't play by the rules well. Never have.  Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it isn't.  At the end of the day, I just wanna be happy.  Change has always scared me but maybe a change is exactly what my big mouth needs.