Understanding & Accepting the Bitterness

I've never blogged before so all this is new to me. My fabulous co-workers thought this might be a way for me to get out some anger. As angry & bitter as I am, I do try to be humorous. Laughing helps me not have a freaking breakdown. :)

Hi...I'm Melany and I'm just a bit bitter. In order to understand my bitterness, I think summary of the past 9 months is in order. I'm a talker but I'll make it brief.

Met the man of my dreams in 2004. We dated for a few years and married in January of 2006. Less than a year into our marriage I found out my husband had been cheating on me since BEFORE we got married. Not only had he been sleeping with someone I knew for over a year but he also admitted to sleeping with a woman he worked with. Nice. I know...doesn't make a ton of sense does it? Why would a man get married if he had a girlfriend on the side. I never understood that either. Why screw someone else's life up? Mind boggling really.

After discovering the cheating.......and it was more than just an affair....lots of sick and twisted stuff that I'd rather not get into....I decided to try and forgive him. Not really me, quite honestly. I'm the "Pack up and get out" kinda girl. BUT, I loved him so very much and thought we could make it work. We attend marriage counseling a few times, but "CJ", as the ex will be referred to here, only went a few times. Thank God I kept attending counseling..I still go. I know it's what has helped to keep me sane.

I continued to attend counseling to try and learn to forgive "CJ" I did pretty well but I cannot lie. I never did get all the disturbing visuals outta my head. I guess I never fully forgave him. I did try my hardest though to make the marriage work.

A year went by and I discovered he was cheating again. Stayed with him. Then in October of 2008 I discovered ANOTHER girlfriend. THIS one did it! Total, I know of four women. I have NO doubt there are/were more.

Soooooooo....the cheating husband prompted my bitterness. Left him in our home and moved into an apartment with my two dogs. ALL the major things we acquired in our marriage were in my name....house loan, car loans, 2nd mortgage, etc. He makes twice as much money as me but he always said he had "bad credit." I was pretty cool....wasn't trying to screw him out of money, just wanted out of the marriage. Sadly, it didn't go that smoothly.

So now, seven months after leaving "CJ" I am looking at bankruptcy. He didn't live up to any of his financial obligations. I know......SHOCKER!! Why I believed a cheating idiot would really honor what he said he would financially I'll never know. He's basically left me around 300,000 in debt. Ain't he a peach?? THIS is where the serious bitterness comes in.

I not only wasted six good years on a lying scumbbag, but now my 700+ credit rating is in the toliet. Bitter....damn skippy! Have I accepted it.....yes. I think embracing the bitterness has kept me from falling apart. Bitter & angry is better than being drunk in the Betty Ford Center.... I think!