It's Better To Have Loved & Lost..............

As the clock tick tocks toward January, when my divorce will be final (4 months, 2 days...not that I'm counting) I try and find comfort in a magnet my good friend Amy gave me. This fabulous magnet is on my fridge and I look to it daily for hope and inspiration. It says "IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO LIVE WITH A PSYCHO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

THIS is oh so true!! The past few months I've gone through lots of emotional pain and some serious monetary pain! I've struggled with anger, depression, bitterness, anger, sadness, loss, and anger. It's difficult to let go of someone you love and even more difficult to realize the person you loved was NOT the person you thought they were. It's extrememly difficult to handle truth. To finally accept that the person you were with for 6 years was never a good person is hard. To deal with the fact that you were used is rough. What kind of person uses someone for 6 years?? How can someone seem so smart, kind, and normal when they are really a psycho?? It's like waking up in the middle of a crazy Lifetime movie! You know the one where the wife discovers her husband is not who he says he is and is leading a double life..........it's wacky!! You feel like an idiot. You feel crazy. You feel dumb.

I have now come to the realization that I'm ok. I loved someone. I thought they were a good person. I gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I was caring, forgiving, and loving. That doesn't make me stupid or dumb or crazy. That just makes me human. For months I've been beating myself up for not realizing I was "getting played." I now get that I'm human. I can't fault myself for loving. I can't keep second guessing my actions. I understand now that I was taken in my an unusually manipulative person. EVERYONE I know.....family, friends, co-workers.....were taken in. I'm not at fault for loving, trusting, and caring for someone. Hell, I'm not even sure he's to blame. When you're outta you're mind crazy you usually don't know it. He's got no idea he's so screwed up.

When the EX "CJ" and I first separated, a friend of mine gave me some excellent words of wisdom. He said that one day, when I got over my anger, that I'd feel sorry for the EX because he's a lost soul. I comprehend those words now. I do feel sorry for him. Am I still angry........oh HELL YES! He left me broke.......I'm probably gonna have to file for bankruptcy. THAT makes me mad. That being said, I can start over. Credit, money, material things can be replaced and/or fixed. Karma will stop by one day and pay him a visit. I'm thinking that won't be pretty! I can move on because I am a good person and I did my best. I made mistakes but I can learn from them. I can wake up everyday and look at myself in the mirror. I don't think he can do the same.

Whenever I feel bad, upset, or angry I just look to the magnet of truth. "IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO LIVE WITH A PSYCHO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" Words to live by!!!!